Texting

I realized that texting has taken over my life. I always text. I text when I wake up in the morning. I text during breakfast. I text on my drive to work. I text at work. I text on my drive home from work. I text at home. I text while I am in bed. I wake up in the middle of the night and I send a few texts. Texting has taken over my life.

Now that I am no longer texting I find myself thinking and analyzing how my life has turned out. Honestly, I loved my texting; but it helped to isolate myself from all of my friends over the past 10 months. It's not that I told them I couldn't hang out. It's just that I found myself not wanting to take the effort that friendships take. I had my friend. That's all I needed.

As chances are...I guess he never really was my friend. I always liked talking to him. I liked him. I thought he liked talking to me back. That maybe, just maybe...he might have cared about me. He meant the world to me. He saw me throught the roughest of days. He was there with me in my phone as my grandma was dying and throughout her funeral. He helped me to stay strong. For that I will always love him.

Today I find myself with silent tears running down my face. I need a best friend. Someone that is not in the phone. Someone that listens to my fears and helps me to understand that my Heavenly Father really does love me...even if a have made a million mistakes.

The worst part about my dilemma is that I was almost ready to make the biggest mistake of my entire life. I was ready. I was giving up on my Heavenly Father. I abandoned everything I had ever learned; everything that I have always believed. I told one of my best friends that I was better after talking to her and that nothing was going to happen. Did I honestly believe that? No...I didn't care anymore. After two days of not texting...I find myself here. Alone. Did I think my life was going to change if I chose to do the things I was going to do? I think I did. Does this texter really care about me? No. Did he ever? No. Will he ever? No. What in the worl was I thinking?

Doing things that I know are wrong is never going to make anyone care about me!!

I tell myself that I should just take this break in texting to get over him. Get over texting. I should just write him out of my life. I will not be tempted by him if I never talk to him again. Deep down inside of me I do want to talk to him though. I want him to respond to my texts. I want things to go back to the innocent conversations we had just a few months ago. I want him to be real. I want him to care about me.

He is not the person for me...and deep down I know that. I want someone to love more than anything else in this world and I want to be loved. I want someone to love me forever no matter what and for me to feel the same. I want to go back to a simple year and a half ago; when my testimony was the strongest it had ever been. I need to fight, to ponder, to pray, to study in order to get that back! It's not going to come back because I sit here hating the way my life has turned out.

Life is hard. I get confused and lost from time to time. At this moment; I am lost. At the same time though...I am fighting. Fighting to find the light. Fighting to find those words that I once knew were true. I know that I will find them as long as I continue to want to to find them.