Shared Tears

Last night was quite the night at work. I worked 19 hours straight without a break. Intense; to say the least. Everyday I am learning and yesterday was no different. To make a 16 hour shift exciting of course we had to have a code. It didn't start as a code, but our little emergency quickly took a turn for the worse. I didn't panick. I was level headed and made the appropriate phone calls. I called all the right people and I talked to them in a very calm manner. The person ended up not making it. All of the staff knew this patient and their family on a very personal basis because they had been on our floor for so long. Everyone was in tears. I did not cry. It was sad, but I couldn't do it. I was the one telling everyone that they did everything that they could have and that it was going to be ok. Life isn't always ok when you lose a loved one. It is down right hard. As for the staff, we did what we could and everyone worked so hard. It is sad. I could not cry. People at work kind of thought that I was cold hearted because there was no tears shed. It reminds me of my grandma. I didn't cry then either. I cry a lot when I am alone, but when other people are hurting I do not cry. I always put others first. If they are hurting I have to be strong. I can only hurt when everyone else is strong. It doesn't mean that I don't care. It just means that I care so much that I want to make sure you are ok first. I love people. I love my job. While bad things happen; so many things are learned from those experiences.

Johnny and June

I want a love like Johnny and June! On a daily basis I see these couples that are so freakin cute! I want that! There is this 75 year old man that comes and takes care of his wife everyday at work. I want that. I want someone to love me enough to come and take care of me if the need ever arose. I want to love someone so much that I will sacrifice everything to take care of them. Is that kind of love possible? I want my husband to be there at the end of each day no matter how hard the day has been. I want the endless, unconditional type of love. The forever and for always type of fairytale. I want to walk the line until the end of time...

Learning

Ok...so I really do try to learn everything I can and take something positive out of every day. BUT...I just don't feel positive today. It was a bad day. I make fun of people for getting so stressed out...because at work these nurses are insane...they need a little reality shock...so i take it upon myself to mock them until they snap out of it! :) Today though...it was just not good. For a brief synopsis every day that I have worked this week I have been on a different hall with different patients or floated to another unti where I know nothing. I don't know anyone or anything. I start fresh everyday. Today I had 7 patients! 7!!! Have people lost their mind? To just keep things in perspective; on a good day you have 4. On a normal day you have 5. On a busy day you have 6. On a...my managers are retarded day you have 7. Ok...so 7 patients. Everyone needs something all at the same time and I have pills to pass and I have a mess to clean up from night shift. Whatever. I made it through the first 8 hours. Now...onto evening shift (also known as my last 4 hours). One of my fellow nurses comes in and says that I am going to have to take another hall. You know...maybe if we really needed to I would...but was it necessary? I have had 7 patients for the past 8 hours...why should I switch? The reasoning was that an LPN would get stuck with the brain injury hall which we typically don't do...but I didn't really want to switch assignments so we just put the LPN down there. The only issues with LPN's are that the RN's have to do all the assessments and essentially be in charge in case anything goes wrong. I got assigned to cover 10 patients for my last four hours! 10!! I have my 7 patients plus I am covering 10!! Have I mentioned that I am a new nurse!! People are retarded...but anyway...to continue with the story. One of my LPN's patients had an oxygen saturation of 11%. Um...not a good thing. Unresponsive patient. Not enough oxygen. So we ended up calling a code on my floor. Rehab does not do codes. We live in a happy healthy world where people get better and go home. It was bad. It makes me second guess everything. First off, I probably should have had that assignment anyway. We don't normally put LPN's down that hall. Secondly, what if I had realized yesterday that something was wrong. I knew that the person wasn't normal, but I couldn't put a finger on it. ah!!!!! I feel like an idiot!! This person could have died!!! I need to always pay attention to everything!! It's just so hard to take care of 7 people and do it well. I need to learn how to do it...I have to. I feel inadequate. I don't know if I am a good nurse. I wanted to go to medical school, but now I am worried that I will miss something with that too. I know that I can make it through school, but what I don't know is if I am good enough.

Hospice

So yesterday I was assigned to work in the hospice hall. I don't normally work that hall because someone else really enjoys it, but it was her day off. I have to admit that it was really hard for me. It is true that as a nurse you are compassionate, but it is so hard for me to find that fine line. I am the type of person that takes on everyone else's emotions. I want everyone to be happy and I will work my darndest to make sure they are happy. However, working with hospice families was really heart breaking. I couldn't make them happy. They wanted their loved one back and that was something that I just didn't have the power to do. It wasn't that they were mad at me, but they were grieving and there were lots of tears. My automatic reaction to tears is to ask whats wrong and then fix it. It was so hard for me because I knew what was wrong, but there was nothing I could do to make the hurt go away. Working this hall really helped me to develop true compassion. I put my whole heart and soul into making sure the patient and the family was comfortable and doing everything in my ability to make things the slightest bit better. I couldn't make the pain go away, but I atleast tried to make it more bearable. There are the crying wives and the crying husbands about to lose their spouses of several years. Its so hard. The one thing that I could say to make it the slightest bit better is that this is not the end. For the most part, people that have loved ones dying will eat this right up. Lucky for me...I know it to be true. I can't doubt. I have lost my grandma. She was my world. I talked to her every day; several times a day. This mortal life is only but a short time. Telling these families that this was not the end helped. You could see the relief in their eyes when they saw that someone else, from the outside, truly believed this principle. It was hard to be with grieving families for 12 hours. However, I am a better person for it. There was no instant gratification. There was no thank you said. There was no problem that was suddenly fixed. However, my compassion for these children of God was strengthened. I truly was able to care and to keep caring without the gratification of a job well done. I guess it is incentive to get paid to do it. Regardless though, it is not the job that I normally do and I could have done it half way because I know that I will not be working that hall tomorrow. I feel good though. As selfish as it may have be...I probably helped myself that day more than I helped anyone else.

Testimony Meeting

I love testimony meetings...they are my absolute favorite ever!! I love hearing how people came to grow and learn and love the gospel of Jesus Christ. My Savior is my rock and I am so glad that I can stand firm in my knowledge of the gospel. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that He loves each and every one of His children. And of on a very irreverent note that really makes me think of the song...How sweet it is to be loved by you! Anyways, I am the person that I am today because of my knowledge in the gospel. My faith defines me in every way. I have so much more to learn in this life, but so far it has been a great journey!

Christ

Ok...so I have this book that I was reading. It's called "When You Can't Do It Alone". A book about Christ. I was using my grandma's obituary as the book mark. So...at work I was reading my book and I left it in the break room and when I came back the next day my poor bok was gone. Seriously...if you want to steal my book about Christ...I hope you learn something. BUT...my grandma's obit...GIVE IT BACK!!! Sigh...but whatever...it was just a piece of paper. Work has been a little crazy. I ended up working a couple 16 hour days last week. I had someone come in and die within just a couple hours...so...I had to chart a whole addmission and discharge...can i just say that that sucked. On the other hand though I have been taking care of this amazing young girl that went from having a feeding tube and a neck brace to talking and eating a regular diet and no brace and no more staples in just a couple weeks. Oh...and I went into her room the other day and she said my name!!! My name!!!! Ah!!! This is the first time that she has talked since the accident!!! I was like jumping up and down and she just had the biggest smile on her face!!! It's moments like those that make me love my job!! She is so darn cute!