Wow

So...I am amazed at how good I feel. If you would have told me a week and a half ago that I would feel this good...I would have told you to jump off a cliff...no seriously...I would have. BUT life is good. I am good. I was told by one of my good friends that a whole lot of people must be praying for me because I got happy awful quick. Weird, right? He still hasn't talked to me. I tried my very last time one week ago, today. I decided that I had to let it go. I still think about it...he was my best friend, afterall. However, I no longer feel the need to shove shards of glass throught my eyeballs...just saying. :) I am good. It is a good possibility that many people were praying for me, but another thing that helped was my perspective and my habits. I was made to fall to my knees. I had no where else to go...so I figured that I might as well make the best of it. I do love my Heavenly Father so...really...honestly is it a bad thing that I was forced to pray for hours. Probably not. When you focus on Christ other things tend to fall into place. In this instance it was my happiness. I am not always happy, it's true. I really do feel happy now...or atleast content...but happy sounds better than content...so let's go with happy.

FHE

Tonight was just a great night. I went to FHE with such a good attitude. I have hated going lately. It's my calling so I kind of have to go, but I have just hated going. I drive all the way downtown for like 2 people. Woo-hoo! BUT today I went with a much better attitude. I taught my little lesson...and let me just say that I was sooo excited about it because I turned out the lights. Then when we turned them back on we sang Lead Kindly Light. I just loved it!! I also loved the walk we went on afterwards. AMAZING!! Downtown is so pretty with all the lights reflecting off of the water. It was so much fun! Another exciting news is that Ashley has probably had her baby! I am sooo happy for her...plus I got her the most exciting gift in the whole world and I am excited to see her face. She won't be reading my blog so I guess it ok to say that I got her Flaming Hot Cheetos! 50 bags!!! I am so excited!!! With all of the bad days I have lately...it was just a relief to have today be one of the good ones. Actually a great one! Oh, and a good little quote that I read today is:

"The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless."

(James E. Faust, "Refined in Our Trials," Ensign, Feb. 2006, 7)

Maybe this past week was just preparing me to see the beauty of this magnificent day. I might have missed it otherwise!

Spirit

I have felt the Spirit so strongly today. It was such a peaceful feeling. Something that I have been missing in my life. Something that I have NEEDED in my life. I know that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and that I have been blessed with specific trials for me because I was the one prepared for them. This is the time when I always think of that picture that has the Christ and the quote...
"I never said it would be easy...I only said that it would be worth it." I have been blessed with this opportunity to help find uplifting friends...friends that will help bring the Spirit back into my life. This is probably not something I would have done on my own. I get very good at hanging out in my comfort zone. It is soooo hard for me to talk to people I don't know...people that I do know but am not really "friends" with. One thing is for sure though...I can't talk to anyone that is going to make it hard for me to have the Spirit in my life. Nights are probably the worst. I start thinking about everything and it just spirals downward. No more thinking. This is a great opportunity I have. I have been forced out of my comfort zone where I have essentially noone. I can do this. I have no other choice. God has given us the gifts of the Spirit to allow us to be drawn more closely into His circle of love. My Father in Heaven loves me perfectly and wants to help me. I am His beloved child.

Facebook

So...I wrote the apology note. I thought that I could do it. However, when I got on facebook I was deleted from being his friend. This is so stupid. I was also deleted from being one of our mutual friends friends. How could things have gone so drastically wrong. Now there are no reminders. Maybe it never really happened? Maybe I made it all up. It's just that with every little kick and jab...I feel myself starting to melt away. Seriously I prayed today and asked my Heavenly Father if I could just leave this world. I kind of pleaded and just said that if someone has to go please make it be me. I know it's dumb. I am not suicidal...but I'm just saying. Ahhh....I take one step forward and then take 50 back. I was not going to cry anymore. I wasn't. Facebook is gone too? I needed the last little thread to hold on to. Everything is gone now. Everything. I am trying to be strong. Trying, but failing. I want to curl up in a ball and go away. I need someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be ok. I need my grandma. I need my best friend.

Apple Pie

Today was a good day. I spent the afternoon with my old roomates. I miss them. They were my best friends. I always had someone to come home to; someone that cared how my day went. At the same time, though, I love my house. My best friend helped me transition into living alone. He was always there for me. I didn't even realize that I was alone most of the time. That's probably what made this week so hard...I was alone for one of the first times in my life. Don't get me wrong...I know that my Heavenly Father is always there for me, but sometimes, I just need that actual human. Dumb...probably...but it's the honest truth of how I feel. I ate dinner with my grandpa and my parents. Then I came home and made homeade apple pie with one of my best friends in the whole world! I love her so much! While we don't always get along; we know how to work through our problems. My pie was just so pretty that I had to take a picture of it so that I could post the goodness onto the blog. Today my very best friend introduced me to a blog that I have since fallen in love with. One of the things that really stuck into my mind from reading was this statement, "Your Heavenly Father has prepared you for these trials that you are going through." Wow. I just really loved that. I was prepared for everything that I was going to go through in this life...and still I chose to come and to show my Heavenly Father that I could do it. I was prepared. I was chosen to handle my individual trials because my Heavenly Father knew that I could do it.

I struggle with happiness. I always have and, most likely, I always will. Things have drastically improved since high school, but they are still hard. I am sad...A LOT. I try to hide it and make it go away, but my sadness is always there taunting me. I am reading this book right now called "When You Can't Do It Alone: Take the Savior's Hand" by Brent L. Top. I want to share a little passage from this book. I will be jumping around a bit to include the pieces that I want...but you get the jist.

"We could remember that even with such a solemn mission given to Him, the Savior found delight in living; He enjoyed people and told His deciples to be of good cheer. All things which are good cometh of Christ (Moroni 7:24) Those of us who are so blessed could remember the courage of those around us who face more difficulty than we, but who remain cheerful, who do the best they can, and trust that the Bright and Morning Star will rise again for them--as surely He will do (see Rev. 22:16) ...we can remember that Christ was also "troubled on every side, but not distressed;...perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed" (2 Cor. 4:8-9).

This pretty much brought me to tears. The Savior was happy. He was tried beyond belief. He suffered so much. Here I am wasting time worrying about being stood up at the airport or losing my best friend. Kind of made me put things back into perspective. The Savior was not destroyed throughout all that He endured. He has already suffered so that I won't have to. The Savior found delight in living. If He can find delight in living...I had better be able to do the same. Others have things so much worse than I do. I have been blessed with so much, and for that, I am so grateful. I was blessed with this wonderful person that helped me so much for an entire 10 months. I was blessed with a best friend. I was blessed with the ability to speak and to communicate and to share my emotions with others. I am blessed! When I think of my many blessings; it makes it much easier to find delight in living. I guess that's why we hear the phrase "count your many blessings" so often. This book has helped to strengthen my testimony and bring me closer to Christ. I feel my Savior's endless love for me when I focus my life around Him.

Friendships

So as I woke up this morning I was thinking about all the events of last night. Do friendships really just end like that? Should I just let it all go like I decided? Should I call and apologize? Should I wait a few days to let it all pass over? I hate when things end on bad terms. He said one thing to me yesterday that I am holding on to. He said, "You can't turn back the hands of time so you need to just get over it." Ok. So no, I can't turn back time, but I certainly can change the future. Just because you are a jerk doesn't mean I don't ever have to speak to you again. We could still be friends. We could change the future. Then I also start to think about how much is it really worth it, though. He seriously made me feel like crap for about a week...and I am still working on getting out of that phase. It hurts bad when someone you trusted treats you badly. I am willing to still be friends, but he doesn't want to. Why? He says now it's because I gave his phone number to my brother. Well, I am sorry, but atleast someone cared about me...and it certainly wasn't the one who left me at the airport! So then I get into whether I want to email a message, voicemail (because I know that he won't actually pick up the phone), or text it. I think I need to try just one more time. I will apologize for giving his number out and ask him if we could please talk this out...when he is good and ready of course because it's all about him. Well, I think I will leave out that last part :). I will ask him to call so if the friendship has to end it will atleast end on good terms. We are old enough now to talk things out. We should be able to handle atleast that much! Now I have to decide if I want to call now or wait a few days. Ah....I hate disagreements! I want everyone to be happy all the time!! So of course I want to call right this instant and make it all better...but so far me calling everyday has changed nothing...so should I wait? This is not my area of expertise. I prefer instant gratification. I am not good at waiting, especially when I know that someone might be hurting. Although, he said yesterday that it didn't bother him at all to not talk to me. Oh...thanks...that makes me feel real good. Sigh...such a dilemma.

Oh...and a change of subject real quick. My brother just told me tht he was moving out. I shouldn't care. I hardly ever see him anyway, but....it just goes back to my previous post that states that people always leave! Why can't anyone just want to stay with me? Please? Am I really that bad of a person? I have very few friends. Don't get me wrong...the ones that I have are great...but I always have to wonder how long they will stay before they get tired of me too. Everyone always leaves. I can't handle my brother leaving me right now. I need someone to stay with me. I need someone to never leave. And now I sound so needy that it makes ME want to gag. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

Adrenaline Rush

So the adrenaline of everything really did make me happy. Now, however, I have supported my brother being a jerk to him. He was a jerk first...BUT I am probably supposed to be the bigger person. I was talking to a mutual friend that we have. He said, "You know that things will never be the same now." I was pretty sure that I was ready for it...but now I don't know. Forever is a long time. He was mean to me. I mean...come on...he left me stranded in the airport. BUT I can't stop the feelings of...I AM THE IDIOT. This might have just all blown over. We might have still been able to be friends. I should have been stronger. I should have done better. I should not have given his number to my brother. I should not have promoted my brother being mean to him. He did hurt me terribly bad, but I was handling it. I was surviving. I was ok because I knoew that it was all his fault. Now he has kind of played it onto me...and of course I have to feel bad. It's my fault we are no longer friends. Why do I have to feel bad?!! I just want to say that he started it!!! Then I feel like I am in kindergarten though. There is just no winning this battle. He did show his true colors though...did I really want to be friends with someone that would do that to me? Probably not. I just hate the fact that he spinned it to make me feel like this is my fault...this whole situation is dumb...He just texted and threatened to send my brother back to jail. Right...Who does that?! THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. Grown people should have been able to talk this out. I tried...like bordering on insane amount of times. I was nice. I am the one that got left at the airport and I am the one that has to be nice. Go figure.

Happy

I am happy tonight. It's probably inappropriate happiness, but I take what I can get. He texted me. He was a jerk. He had the nerve to tell me that he would talk to me when he was good and ready. Seriously. I just flew across the country and you will talk to me when YOU are ready. Oh no...He said that me giving out his number was really pissing him off. Isn't that nice. HE is pissed. He said that if I stop giving out his number he will CONSIDER talking to me. Ha Ha...what a joke. He acts like he is doing me some kind of favor. Now...I guess it's only fair to say that my brother and my roomate have been sending him messages...not real good ones. BUT they love me! I feel loved!! That's what I needed...someone to show me that they cared about me. I found out today that even my dad is on my side. My family is a little weird and we don't tell each other how we feel, but my brother is telling me everything and I absolutely love it!!

Utah Trip

I took one picture from my short Utah trip. It's a little fuzzy, but I love it all the same. I spent a few hours on temple sqare just admiring the beauty. This was onw of my favorite scenes before my camera died. I love flowers. They always seem to make me happy. I know that it doesn't make sense because flowers just die. I love them though. They smell good, they are pretty, and they just seem so perfect. Temple Square is an amazing place. It's just so pretty.

Empowerment

So sometimes life is hard. The fact of the matter is that I cannot change what has happened to me. Therefor, I need to stop dwelling on it. If I dwell on it; it can consume my life and that is what empowers the person that hurt me the first time. Yes; what happened to me sucked, but, no, it is not going to consume my thoughts. Of course, it hurts to think about him and what we used to have. I try not to dwell on what once was and more try to think about the future. I have my life ahead of me to live a very long time. I have the opporunity to bless others and help them by some of the experiences that I have been through. This is not what I have asked for in my prayers. Although...I am sure that I will be blessed because of my experiences. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.

Strength

I am so weak at this moment, but strong at the same time. I feel like I need to cry at the slightest remembrance of this person. I hate it. I hate that I let myself get hurt this bad. I hate that I trusted him so much. I hate that he doesn't care. I can't change the fact that I did get hurt and that I did trust him and that he doesn't care. I am strong in the fact that in my heart I have forgiven him. I don't care. I am just mainly mad at myself. I am embarrassed to be back at home and to have to explain to people why I am home so soon. It's because I couldn't survive. Because I was too weak. Too hurt. That's embarrassing. Sigh...I will get through this.

Vacation

Wasted vacations. Wasted tears. Wasted friends. Wasted time. Wasted sleep. Wasted minutes. I feel betrayed. All I can do is cry. I try to call and he doesnt pick up. I email and he doesnt respond. I cant do it. I flew across the country to hang out with someone that I trusted more than anyone. Why...Just because you talk to someone everyday and feel like you know someone fairly well...dont trust people. I have wasted the past 10 months of my life. I wish I could go back and erase it all. I know that what doesnt kill me will only make me stronger...but this is a moment that I just wish I was dead. I seriously let this boy take the life out of me....People are not good...

Crying

So...I am just such a girl. I cry all the time. The latest reason is that I got stood up at the airport. Wow. Seriously? The person that I considered to be my best friend couldn't even fit it into his schedule to pick me up. I am just very sad and hurt and angry; all very unpleasant emotions. How can my best friend, the person who has seen me through everything for the past 10 months, just up and decide not to talk to me anymore. It really makes me think that I need to be a better judge of character. Not everyone is good no matter how many times I tell myself that. People have proven themselves, to be, in general, just not good. When you need them they are not there. When you start to trust them; they hurt you. When you start to believe in them; they leave you. People are bad. Don't ever trust, or believe, or get to close. Nothing good will ever come of it. Ever.

Texting

I realized that texting has taken over my life. I always text. I text when I wake up in the morning. I text during breakfast. I text on my drive to work. I text at work. I text on my drive home from work. I text at home. I text while I am in bed. I wake up in the middle of the night and I send a few texts. Texting has taken over my life.

Now that I am no longer texting I find myself thinking and analyzing how my life has turned out. Honestly, I loved my texting; but it helped to isolate myself from all of my friends over the past 10 months. It's not that I told them I couldn't hang out. It's just that I found myself not wanting to take the effort that friendships take. I had my friend. That's all I needed.

As chances are...I guess he never really was my friend. I always liked talking to him. I liked him. I thought he liked talking to me back. That maybe, just maybe...he might have cared about me. He meant the world to me. He saw me throught the roughest of days. He was there with me in my phone as my grandma was dying and throughout her funeral. He helped me to stay strong. For that I will always love him.

Today I find myself with silent tears running down my face. I need a best friend. Someone that is not in the phone. Someone that listens to my fears and helps me to understand that my Heavenly Father really does love me...even if a have made a million mistakes.

The worst part about my dilemma is that I was almost ready to make the biggest mistake of my entire life. I was ready. I was giving up on my Heavenly Father. I abandoned everything I had ever learned; everything that I have always believed. I told one of my best friends that I was better after talking to her and that nothing was going to happen. Did I honestly believe that? No...I didn't care anymore. After two days of not texting...I find myself here. Alone. Did I think my life was going to change if I chose to do the things I was going to do? I think I did. Does this texter really care about me? No. Did he ever? No. Will he ever? No. What in the worl was I thinking?

Doing things that I know are wrong is never going to make anyone care about me!!

I tell myself that I should just take this break in texting to get over him. Get over texting. I should just write him out of my life. I will not be tempted by him if I never talk to him again. Deep down inside of me I do want to talk to him though. I want him to respond to my texts. I want things to go back to the innocent conversations we had just a few months ago. I want him to be real. I want him to care about me.

He is not the person for me...and deep down I know that. I want someone to love more than anything else in this world and I want to be loved. I want someone to love me forever no matter what and for me to feel the same. I want to go back to a simple year and a half ago; when my testimony was the strongest it had ever been. I need to fight, to ponder, to pray, to study in order to get that back! It's not going to come back because I sit here hating the way my life has turned out.

Life is hard. I get confused and lost from time to time. At this moment; I am lost. At the same time though...I am fighting. Fighting to find the light. Fighting to find those words that I once knew were true. I know that I will find them as long as I continue to want to to find them.