Falling

Why do I find myself falling for a person that will most likely be no good for me? I like him. I need him. I have to talk to him...everyday. When I don't talk to him I worry. When I do talk to him I am happy. He is not the type person I should find myself liking, though. He will never like me back. He only likes to play games. Why, why, why!!! Why do I do this to myself. Everything inside my head says stay the heck away...yet I can't seem to do that. He's a good person; don't get me wrong. I need to be with someone who is going to make me strive to be better...this boy makes me wonder how far I am willing to push my standards. I am good. I don't do bad things. It's not like he flat out asks me to push my standards...but that's what I find myself wondering about...and that is not good. The crazy part is though...that I still like him. Which makes me retarded. If you have no chance with someone...and you know it...why do you still like that person. Someone asked me once, "Why are you wasting your time?" Good question. I don't know. All I know is that I still like him.

Happiness!

So I am just plain happy today! I guess this is kind of weird becuaseI mostly enjoy writing when I am angry or sad, but today, I am just happy! My cousins are in town. I love them! We play and scream and giggle and just have a good ole time! I went to my family ward today and got to see some people that I haven't seen in about 3-4 years. It was amazing! Not that we were really that close of friends, but I have found something that makes me happy. I hugged each and everyone of them! It wasn't the fake...oh that's great kind of hug...but rather, the...I'm really glad to see you and I have missed you kind of hug. It was real and genuine. I miss human interaction and touch. It's true that I complain and say that I have a bubble, but what I need most is the person that jusr simply doesn't care and breaks the bubble anyway. I love hugs! They make me feel special! I put out my hand for a hand shake and in return I got...are you kidding? Give me a hug! Aw...I love it! I love people!

Testimony

I want to believe that I have a testimony of the gospel. I live my life the way that I am supposed to...well most of the time. However, I find myself constantly battling that little voice in my head that says that I don't want to go to church. I am tired. I am tired of choosing the right all of the time. I don't want to anymore. Atleast I don't want to have to fight with myself to do it. I know that church is where I need to be, but I find myself drifting. I got a call saying that I am in charge of FHE. I don't want to go. I don't want a calling at all, really. I used to love church, FHE, and every other possible activity. Now, I find myself falling further and further away. What's worse is that I don't even feel guilty anymore. I am just plain tired. I feel the spirit, I do. I know what I should be doing; yet I choose not to...what is wrong with this picture?!

I love my life...everything seems to be going as planned. Yet, I am not happy. I always find myself wanting more. I have so much to be grateful for...and I am...I just can't find happiness...it seems to have disappeared. I can pretend and I smile and say things are great. They are. I have no reason at all to be unhappy. I don't know why I feel unhappy; I just am...that's me. That's what defines me, I guess.

Twilight

I am reading the book Twilight right now...can I just say AMAZING! I am falling in love with the main character more and more everyday. It has me seriously thinking though. Love is an amazing thing. Your heart starts to pound. Your hands get a little bit sweaty. Your whole body is swirled up in emotions that you don't even know exactly what you are feeling until at that moment when he holds you in his arms or places his soft lips on yours. How can people be so open with what they are feeling? I am pretty good with stating little facts and I love to know what others are thinking or feeling, but when I am asked, I often find myself making up stories. I don't want people to really know how much I love someone else because I think that it won't hurt as bad when they don't like me back. Love is a spledid thing. I love love. I dream about love. I want love. I crave love. I need love. How amazing would it be to just be able to be open without fear of rejection or sadness or hurt. I dream of that day when being able to hold another human beings hand makes butterflies go up in my stomach. Surely one day my prince will come and I will love him openly and not be afraid.

Needy

Why a, I so freakin needy? I try not to be...but I need to talk to someone. Oh, but wait, noone cares about me. My grandma is dead. I miss her. I need her. She cares about me. She understands me. I have a test on Sunday that determines the rest of my life. I cry whenever I think about it. It doesn't matter if I am at work or at home or on the phone. Why od I cry?! I hate crying. Why does noone care about me or what I am feeling? Why do you think that I care about others so much...maybe because...one day...I want someone to care about me the way that I care about everyone else in the world. I know I should serve without wanting anything in return...and I do...I know it doesn't sound like it...but for the most part I am happy...I am just so stressed out right now...I just wanted someone to care...to notice...to call me...I wish I had someone to call...I have noone. I take that back...I have my Heavenly Father...but sometimes I just want Him here with me. I need help right now...

Alcohol

Why does alcohol control everyone's life? It's all around us all the time. I hate it! I go out for a simple round of fireworks and my friends get drunk. I come home from fireworks and my brother has people over and they are all drinking...I'm not trying to go to jail! I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's actions! I don't drink! I hate when people around me drink! I don't want to have anything to do with it! Why do I put myself in these situations? I love my brother like there's no tomorrow...I just can't deal with the alcohol and drugs! Why can't he straighten up? They threaten jail and it doesn't even phase him. I want him to be good. I love him. He tells me I'm stupid and that nothing is going to happen...and that is why he has been arrested 7 times. He calls and says that in Marion county noone ever gets in trouble. Is that supposed to make me feel better? I'm sorry...it doesn't! I worry myself sick...I have tears streaming down my face...I feel nauseous. I want people to choose the right. I want people to believe in God. I try to live my life as an example, but he says that he just doesn't believe. How? I don't understand. My brother and I were raised in the same home. My parents don't drink or smoke or do drugs. How did he get himself into this mess? I want to help him, but he just doesn't want the help. This is so hard to watch...I feel like I have watched this perfectly good 14 year old boy go down a spiral for the last 5 years. I want for my brother to get his life on track. I want for things to be good for him. I want him to be happy. I love living with him. We talk every once and awhile and I live for that...I just can't deal with the alcohol and drugs in my house.

Lonely

So I enjoy being by myself; I really do. At the same time though...I crave human interaction. I want someone to talk to. I want someone to love me. I put on a huge front telling everyone that I would be perfectly fine being alone for the rest of my life. Are you kidding me? I want to feel loved just as much as everyone else! The greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return! I was talking to one of my good friends and he told me that I probably won't ever find anyone bacuse most guys want sex. Why?! What happened to all the good mormon boys of the world? I know that it is because I am quiet, but really if you take the time to get to know me...I really can be fun! I have only dated one person in my entire life...how is this so? I have liked several...they just don't like me back...I am a fabulous girl! I deserve so much! I want to be loved! I want someone to actually care about the way I feel! I want someone to open up to me and tell me the most intimate details of their life! I want someone to come to me before they go to anyone else! I want someone to think of me when they are lonely, afraid, sad, happy, excited...I want them to want to talk to me and share wqith me their thoughts! I want to go out and have a good time and not be pressured to drink or to have sex! I'm so angry right now! I feel like I don't have any good friends right now! Of course I have friends some might say...but let me describe them to you:
Friend #1: We are texting friends...I have to literally pull information out of this kid...Friend #1 says that opening up is not for them...How can we talk every single freakin day about nothing! I want to know how you feel! I want you to care how I feel!

Friend #2: We used to be best of friends. Now we make plans, but there always seems to be a reason that we don't follow through. We make plans to hang out so I stick around all day waiting...waiting...waiting...oh...they don't show up. I will understand. I am so nice and caring and happy! Yes...as a matter of fact I am nice....but I want you to be nice back!

Friend #3: We talk. I thought this was possibly the one person that might kind of understand me. But at times this person will go for an entire week without returning my calls. I think that maybe I made them mad, but I don't remember doing anything. Then I think...I must just not be good enough. This person has better friends that they would rather talk to.

These are my best friends. I have a few people that I talk to every once and awhile. Things are great if I contact them first. If I stop calling them though...will they remember that I even exist?

It's better not to care about anyone because I alway end up hurt...always! But, I love everyone! Some people think that it is great! I tend to think that it is a character flaw!

I just want someone to truly care about me and love me and want to be around me...no strings attached!

Nervousness

Do you ever feel like your whole life is depending on one single moment? I am so nervous! I am taking my state boards on the 13th for the second time! I am not a nervous test taker. I have always excelled in school; always! I go in confident because I am at the adventage of understading what I read very well...the first time. I have never failed anything in my entire life! I do get a second chance, and I have been studying! I am very nervous though. My grandpa is going to give me a blessing and I am very grateful to have that at my fingertips. I know that my Heavenly Father will help me; if it is His will. But is it?! Surely I would have known before I went through all this schooling...right? But on the other hand, I have learned so much...Sigh...I am freaking out! I need to pass this test!

Tired

I am tired of working. I was tired of school. I am always so dang tired. I am tired of negative attitudes; even though a lot of times mine tends to be the most negative. I want to live in this perfect little world where everyone is happy all the time. Why do I constantly focus on all the negative aspects of my life rather than the positive? I really am a happy person...I think. I want to learn to trust others more. I want to learn to be positive.

Really...a blog?!

So...I know that others create blogs and honestly...I love reading them! I like to know what people are thinking and feeling. As for myself though, I never really had a desire to post my life on the internet. Do I want others to be able to read about my life? Do I want people to have access to my inner most thoughts and opionions. I don't like to share to much with a person unless I know them. I want to be the one to give them the information, but this is my step at opening up. Now the world can know what I think!