Fun

I feel like my life is missing the fun it deserves. All too often my soul is engulfed by bouts of depression. When I battle major life decisions I don't know if it is me, the Spirit, or depression speaking. How sad is that?! I am dating a boy that seems to really care. He says all the right things. He says he wants to marry me. What?! Are you freaking kidding me?! I have only been dating him for a month! It's times like these that I wish I was a kid again. I want to date for fun. I want to go out on the town and laugh and play and joke and just get to know people. Don't get me wrong...I really do want to get married...but I want to be madly in love and not be able to imagine my life without that person. Does that type thing exist? Another thing is that I want my eternal companion to be my equal. I know that its not always 50-50, but I really want it to be a give and take type of thing. He doesn't have a job. Maybe it's just a rough time. That's why I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. BUT...he seems content with no job. He watches his friends kids and that pays the rent so that is good enough. WRONG...You have to have the desire to work...to better yourself...How on earth do you think you can get married if you can't even pay your own bills? Granted I make enough to support myself and another. Is it bad that I don't want to have to do that? I always thought that I would be cool being a sugar momma...now that my opportunity has pressented itself I am having second thoughts. I know that money isn't everything...but work ethic kind of is. I am not sure this boy has any. We have only been dating for a month. I feel like the happy go lucky honey moon stage of dating is already gone. He would rather watch tv then spend time with me. Not all the time but still...Another thing is that I like to go out. We don't have to spend money to go out and have fun. He doesn't like to go out. He likes to sit and watch movies and do nothing. I like a relaxing day like the rest of them, but I love going out. I enjoy staying busy. He enjoys sitting and watching tv and playing video games. That is not what I am into. I understand that we don't have to like the same things...but honestly do we like any of the same things? I enjoy spending time with him...I do. Then I think...maybe I just enjoy the companionship. Am I scared of commitment? Why yes...I think I am. Am I scared of a failed marriage...I think I am. But do I really want to rush into marriage with the second boy that I have ever dated...pretty sure no. I want to get married AFTER I fall in love. I don't want to get married just to get married. I think that its better to be alone than to rush into a marriage and be unhappy. I hate the stupid time frame...he says he is gonna propose in about 6 months...so I sit and think it out...I better decide what I want in 5 so I can break it off if I want. That is so freakin retarded. I just want to go out and date for fun without the pressure of getting married. I know that a realationship is not going to be easy...but at what point is it not worth working for? How long do you hold on; hoping that it might change; hoping that you might fall in love. I do love him...I am just not IN Love with him. How can I be after only one month. The thing is...every example in my life was already in love by this point...am I broken? Is he not the one? Or do I stick it out and hope to be happy? I mean I am happy...its just I have a lot on my mind. I hate dating. When I like someone they don't ever like me back. When someone likes me...they just scare me away. I want someone that will take responsability for their actions...for their short comings...and I want them to work to fix them...no more excuses...just fix it! So now I am left to wonder if this is the Spirit telling me that the relationship is not right...is this me being afraid to let someone love me? Is this the depression trying to ruin every good thing in my life? Right now I am not sure...