Hurt

Why do I choose to let myself get hurt. My heart burns. My soul aches. I want so badly to have a family. I was happy with Chrys; I was. I could have seen myself marrying him. Now, however, my world has started spinning and my life is in a haze. I don't know which way is up...much less how to follow my heart. I always thought that my true love would find me and I would know that that was what I wanted. I was never given the piece of paper that defined what I wanted in a person. I just thought that person would find me and then I would know. I am hurting. I am starting to shake. I am confused. I have always prided myself on being the girl that didn't care. I don't need a boy to be by my side at all times. I don't care if he goes and plays and doesn't come home at night. I don't care. However, now that it comes down to it...I do care. I don't necessarily need him to be there, but I needed the offer to be there. I needed to know that I mattrered and that he didn't want me to hurt. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me that things are going to be ok and that we would get through it. Instead I got..."I don't want to be here any longer than I have to be." Oh and another good quote was, "Don't come crawling back...things won't be the same." My poor body couldn't handle it. It hurt me. I always get hurt. It is quite a familiar feeling. I try to prevent it, but then I realize that there are only 2 outcomes to dating. Outcome #1 is everyone is happy and you get married. Outcome #2 is that someone gets to hurt. One thing good did come of this. I had forgotten about a good friend of mine. We don't talk too much anymore. He called yesterday right after all this madness. The exact reason he called was to get Chrys' phone number...go figure. But, he knew that I was upset by the tone of my voice. He said, "I will come over. We can talk." I said, "Thats ok. I have to make dinner for my family. I don't want to make you eat with my family." He said,"Laura, I don't mind being with your family as long as you are ok with it." Really? He was willing to come and hang out with my family? Weird! People don't like to do that. We hadn't talked in such a long time. I cried. I cried about Chrys. I cried about being confused. I cried about my parents leaving me. He stayed with me. He never left. He didn't care about the other parties going on. He cared about me. I needed that so much! It's more than the...call if you need anything. It's...I'm coming over now because I know that you need company. I love him. I love my friends. They know what I need no matter what I say. They don't take the easy way out.

The thing to my tears is that it is never just one thing that makes me cry. It is the accumulation of everything and then I just break. I have cried over my parents leaving me before. I do it often. BUT, it is still on my mind. And when I start to hurt...everything comes crashing down.

I still hurt. I will probably hurt for a really long time. That's what I do. I am sad. I am very bad at being alone. I don't like being alone. I like to be with someone else. If I am alone then I atleast talk to someone on the phone or text. Everyone is at work. Who can I talk to? I am lonely. I want to learn to not need other people. I want to learn to love being alone. I don't know if I will ever be able to do it. I just need someone to talk to...