ER

So...today I was watching last weeks episode of ER. It's a good show. However, it just made me start to cry. This woman remembers the death of her son and it was a very touching story. It made me cry because I relived the day my grandma died. I miss her so much. I want her here. I want to be able to tell her about this amazing boy that I am dating. I want to show her my new outfit. I want to tell her about my job since I have graduated. I miss her sooo much. It has been 7 months. It seems like an eternity. I keep telling myself that our time here on earth is but a small moment...but sometimes t just feels really really long! I know that I will see her again and I know that she is watching down on me now. It's still just not the same. I can't talk about her to my friends because they didn't know her. I can't talk about her with my family because that just makes everyone sad. I just really miss her though. Gosh...I have tears streaming down my face just thinking about her. I have her picture on my wall. I love it. I miss her so much. She had such faith in Christ and such a sweet spirit. Her smile was perfect. She really truly had the pure love of Christ. She is the most amazing person that I have ever known. I want to talk about her. I want to remeber her. Christmas will be hard. I remember last year she made us put up the big tree because she said that that was going to be her hast Christmas. I just kinda laughed. My grandma was only 63. Healthcare has improved. She wasn't gonna die. She did die. I should have spent more time with her. I should have called her more. I just miss her so much. I held her hand as she died. I remember the only thing I could think to do as she died was to pull the bandaids off her arms. I needed to be helpful. I pulled bandaids off! Seriously! Thats so dumb! It's dumb but I will always remember it. Now when I think of bandaids I think of that day. I loved my grandma so very much. She will always live in my heart.

Better Than I Deserve

I have a boy that adores me. He is way better than I deserve. He only seems to recognize the good things about me. It is like he is blind to all the bad. Weird. I love him. I would never tell him that I love him because...well...it's awkward to tell someone that you are dating that you love them. However, if he was only my friend I would have no qualms. How can someone be so kind and caring and not afraid to show the world. He has seriously just put so much trust in me. How can he know that I would never hurt him. People hurt other people. That's what people do! How can he trust me so much?! It's true that I would never hurt him...atleast not on purpose. BUT come on...putting your emotions out there for the whole facebook world to see? Who does that? I might blog...but most people don't take the time to read the blogs. Everyone sees facebook! My poor little heart is melting. I love him. He is a great friend. A friend that focuses on everything that I do right instead of everything I do wrong. I need to be a better friend to myself. He said that he wears his heart on his sleeve. He does. He puts everything out there...no holding back. As for me...well...my heart is on my sleeve as well. The only difference is that my heart is in a box, wrapped 4 times around with sheet metal, with steel bars and barbed wire around that. I can't help it. I truly do love everyone. The problem is that I just don't want anyone else to love me back. When I love everyone it makes me happy. When I let others love me ...well...I just don't let that happen. I am always here waiting for something to go wrong. Maybe it is time to start preparing for the best. It has just always been easier for me to start disappointed and to work my way up than the other way around. That also might be the reason that I spend most of my time not being happy. Overall, the world is good. And that means that people are probably also good. Good things do happen sometimes. Dreams can come true if you are willing to let them.

Dumb

So I feel dumb. I am going against everything I ever taught myself. I like him. I think about him. I hate doing that. When you let someone else into your life you are just giving them an invitation to break you into a million little pieces later. Sigh...I tell myself that this is a good thing. This is what I have always wanted...right? I like him and he likes me. That is amazing all in itself. This is a good thing. Enjoy the journey. Don't be bitter. I find myself being a girl though. I want to be with him. That's not me! I am ok being alone! I am not supposed to be sad when I am not with someone else! But this time I am! He is so close; yet so very far away! I hardly get to see him. One, maybe two times a week, that's it. I want to get to know him better. I want to know everything about him. I like him. It's weird that a girl that is so in love with love would have such reservations with letting someone in. It is like I am afraid of letting someone too close. I am trying though. I am letting myself start to like him. I enjoy being with him. This is a good thing.

Alone

I pretend that I am self sufficient and that I don't need anyone else. My parents are leaving me. I tell myself that I will be ok, but I don't know if that is a reality. I am afraid to be alone. I couldn't go away to college because I was too afraid of being alone. I bought a house 4 houses down from my parents because I knew that I wouldn't be alone. Now...my parents are leaving me. I am scared. What happens if I get a flat tire? What happens when my friends don't answer the phone? Who is going to save me if someone tried to break into my house? Who is going to help me fix the lawn mower? Who is going to help me dig a whole in the front yard when the dirt is too hard? Who is going to let me borrow a glass of milk or a slice of bread? Who is going to fix my computer? Who is going to fix the hole in the wall? Who is going to fix my hot water heater? Who is going to buy my ink cartriges for my printer when I am not sure which one to get? I can't be in this house alone. I need my parents. I am scared. I know that I will have friends that are here for me, but the fact of the matter is that they are not my family. Noone but my family is ever going to put me first. My mom offers to bring me dinner at work when she finds out I am unexpectedly working late. Noone else will do that. I don't trust anyone. I am too scared to trust anyone. I am self sufficient. I don't need anyone else. People always leave anyway. My brother moved out. My parents are fleeing the state. My best friend left me in an airport. Friends always move on...that is a fact of life. Don't ever get too close...the closer you get the more power they have over you...the more it will hurt when they leave you. They always leave. Don't open up. Don't get close. Don't trust. Always smile and be polite, but never believe. Don't get hurt.