Truly Happy

Ok...so I will admit...I get hurt easily and I sometimes make things bigger than they are. I was broken and it was very real pain. I talked to him. I love him. I really am happy. I think I am actually happier now than I was before. I believe that things will work out.

Hurt

Why do I choose to let myself get hurt. My heart burns. My soul aches. I want so badly to have a family. I was happy with Chrys; I was. I could have seen myself marrying him. Now, however, my world has started spinning and my life is in a haze. I don't know which way is up...much less how to follow my heart. I always thought that my true love would find me and I would know that that was what I wanted. I was never given the piece of paper that defined what I wanted in a person. I just thought that person would find me and then I would know. I am hurting. I am starting to shake. I am confused. I have always prided myself on being the girl that didn't care. I don't need a boy to be by my side at all times. I don't care if he goes and plays and doesn't come home at night. I don't care. However, now that it comes down to it...I do care. I don't necessarily need him to be there, but I needed the offer to be there. I needed to know that I mattrered and that he didn't want me to hurt. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me that things are going to be ok and that we would get through it. Instead I got..."I don't want to be here any longer than I have to be." Oh and another good quote was, "Don't come crawling back...things won't be the same." My poor body couldn't handle it. It hurt me. I always get hurt. It is quite a familiar feeling. I try to prevent it, but then I realize that there are only 2 outcomes to dating. Outcome #1 is everyone is happy and you get married. Outcome #2 is that someone gets to hurt. One thing good did come of this. I had forgotten about a good friend of mine. We don't talk too much anymore. He called yesterday right after all this madness. The exact reason he called was to get Chrys' phone number...go figure. But, he knew that I was upset by the tone of my voice. He said, "I will come over. We can talk." I said, "Thats ok. I have to make dinner for my family. I don't want to make you eat with my family." He said,"Laura, I don't mind being with your family as long as you are ok with it." Really? He was willing to come and hang out with my family? Weird! People don't like to do that. We hadn't talked in such a long time. I cried. I cried about Chrys. I cried about being confused. I cried about my parents leaving me. He stayed with me. He never left. He didn't care about the other parties going on. He cared about me. I needed that so much! It's more than the...call if you need anything. It's...I'm coming over now because I know that you need company. I love him. I love my friends. They know what I need no matter what I say. They don't take the easy way out.

The thing to my tears is that it is never just one thing that makes me cry. It is the accumulation of everything and then I just break. I have cried over my parents leaving me before. I do it often. BUT, it is still on my mind. And when I start to hurt...everything comes crashing down.

I still hurt. I will probably hurt for a really long time. That's what I do. I am sad. I am very bad at being alone. I don't like being alone. I like to be with someone else. If I am alone then I atleast talk to someone on the phone or text. Everyone is at work. Who can I talk to? I am lonely. I want to learn to not need other people. I want to learn to love being alone. I don't know if I will ever be able to do it. I just need someone to talk to...

Priorities

Have you ever just wanted to be someone else's priority? I supposedly had a boy that loved me...did he really though? Eh...debatable. When you love someone...shouldn't you want to spend time with them. I made plans specifically around him. I wanted to spend time with him. Oh but he told me at 4:10 that he wasn't going to be able to make it because his friends are more important than me. Wonderful! So much for being loved! Whats it matter though...right? I have said all along that you shouldn't get too close because you always get hurt. I am waiting for the one time that I will be proven wrong. Will it ever happen? Seriously...am I that hard of a person to get along with? I guess so. One day I will be happy. It's better to be truly happy then to try to make something work that never will. I will be patient and try my best to be happy. One day someone will want to spend time with me. I will be the priority. I just hate the whole dating process. Once you start to open up and really trust someone its like you just end up getting kicked in the face. But then it goes back to my previous posts when I said that you should never trust people. Point tried and proven.

Fun

I feel like my life is missing the fun it deserves. All too often my soul is engulfed by bouts of depression. When I battle major life decisions I don't know if it is me, the Spirit, or depression speaking. How sad is that?! I am dating a boy that seems to really care. He says all the right things. He says he wants to marry me. What?! Are you freaking kidding me?! I have only been dating him for a month! It's times like these that I wish I was a kid again. I want to date for fun. I want to go out on the town and laugh and play and joke and just get to know people. Don't get me wrong...I really do want to get married...but I want to be madly in love and not be able to imagine my life without that person. Does that type thing exist? Another thing is that I want my eternal companion to be my equal. I know that its not always 50-50, but I really want it to be a give and take type of thing. He doesn't have a job. Maybe it's just a rough time. That's why I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. BUT...he seems content with no job. He watches his friends kids and that pays the rent so that is good enough. WRONG...You have to have the desire to work...to better yourself...How on earth do you think you can get married if you can't even pay your own bills? Granted I make enough to support myself and another. Is it bad that I don't want to have to do that? I always thought that I would be cool being a sugar momma...now that my opportunity has pressented itself I am having second thoughts. I know that money isn't everything...but work ethic kind of is. I am not sure this boy has any. We have only been dating for a month. I feel like the happy go lucky honey moon stage of dating is already gone. He would rather watch tv then spend time with me. Not all the time but still...Another thing is that I like to go out. We don't have to spend money to go out and have fun. He doesn't like to go out. He likes to sit and watch movies and do nothing. I like a relaxing day like the rest of them, but I love going out. I enjoy staying busy. He enjoys sitting and watching tv and playing video games. That is not what I am into. I understand that we don't have to like the same things...but honestly do we like any of the same things? I enjoy spending time with him...I do. Then I think...maybe I just enjoy the companionship. Am I scared of commitment? Why yes...I think I am. Am I scared of a failed marriage...I think I am. But do I really want to rush into marriage with the second boy that I have ever dated...pretty sure no. I want to get married AFTER I fall in love. I don't want to get married just to get married. I think that its better to be alone than to rush into a marriage and be unhappy. I hate the stupid time frame...he says he is gonna propose in about 6 months...so I sit and think it out...I better decide what I want in 5 so I can break it off if I want. That is so freakin retarded. I just want to go out and date for fun without the pressure of getting married. I know that a realationship is not going to be easy...but at what point is it not worth working for? How long do you hold on; hoping that it might change; hoping that you might fall in love. I do love him...I am just not IN Love with him. How can I be after only one month. The thing is...every example in my life was already in love by this point...am I broken? Is he not the one? Or do I stick it out and hope to be happy? I mean I am happy...its just I have a lot on my mind. I hate dating. When I like someone they don't ever like me back. When someone likes me...they just scare me away. I want someone that will take responsability for their actions...for their short comings...and I want them to work to fix them...no more excuses...just fix it! So now I am left to wonder if this is the Spirit telling me that the relationship is not right...is this me being afraid to let someone love me? Is this the depression trying to ruin every good thing in my life? Right now I am not sure...