So as I was reading my scriptures today I came across a quote. It is in reference to 1 Nephi 4:6..."And Iwas led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."
The quote is from Elder Boyd K. Packer. It says, "Shortly after I was called as a General Authority, I went to Elder Harold B. Lee for counsel. He listened very carefully to my problem and suggested that I see President David O. McKay. President McKay counseled me as to the direction I should go. I was very willing to be obedient but saw no way possible for me to do as he counseled me to do. I returned to Elder Lee and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, "The trouble with you is that you want to see the end from the beginning." I repolied that I would like to see atleast a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime, "You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you."
How fitting. I don't need to know right now how it will turn out in the end. Things will be ok. I feel at peace after reading this. I know that my Savior lives and that He loves me. He will not expect me to do things alone. I can do this! I just need to walk a little more by faith.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Wow!
So much time has passed and so much has happened since I last posted! The most exciting news is that Dylan is going to be a big brother. I am so excited to hasve another baby in the house! I am a little worried that I am going to be run ragged, but I know that it will all be worth it in the end. Because of the dramatics with Dylan's birth; I have a c-section scheduled for February 20th. In case anyone was wondering...that is only 7 weeks away!! So excited...but so nervous!
On another note I have a very heavy heart. My marriage has not been easy...that is for sure! I am trying so hard to love as Jesus loved and not give up. Chrys works every weekend so I have had to go to church by myself ever since we have gotten married. I hate going to church by myself. You look around and see all of the families and I so desperately want mine to be there. I knew in my heart that it was only going to be for a brief moment though and that eventually he would be able to get a job where he did not have to work on Sunday's. Well, yesterday had a turn of events when my husband decided to share with me that he felt like my religion was a load of crap. He thinks that people are being spoonfed a bunch of lies and that none of it is true. He even went so far as to say that he doesn't even believe that there is a God. Really?! He said that he felt that he needed to tell me so that he wouldn't feel as if he was living a lie anymore. How nice! As if our marriage hasn't been hard enough...he has to go and throw that in there.
I have cried for the past couple of days because I just don't understand how this is happening. We met at church. We wree married in the temple. Our whole life together has been focused around the church. My life has always been focused around the church. Sometimes I feel as if the church is what defines me. The church is my life. It means everything to me. How am I supposed to be married to someone and raise a family with someone that doesn't believe any of the same things that I believe? I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I know that I can do all things through Christ...but really...why now?
He told me that he understands if I want to get a divorce because he knows that I want a priesthood holder in my home and he says he will never be that. I don't know what I want anymore! I only know that I don't want this. I want things to go back to the way that they used to be. I want him to go to church and to believe. I want a family that goes to church together, that prays together, and that reads their scriptures together. How am I going to do this by myself? I know that I am not alone, but let me just say that this feels pretty awful right now.
I just have to keep telling myself that I need to be like Christ. Christ did not just walk away from those that did not believe. I have to be the example for him. I have to be the example for my children. I can do this. But what if he never changes his mind? What if I have to do this alone forever? Am I strong enough? I want a happy marriage with roses and butterflies and all the happiness that you find in the books. I want the happilt ever after ending. If I quit now I will never know if my ending would have been one of those happy ones. But I am not sure if I am strong enough to do this forever. The ending might not be worth it. He may never believe.
On another note I have a very heavy heart. My marriage has not been easy...that is for sure! I am trying so hard to love as Jesus loved and not give up. Chrys works every weekend so I have had to go to church by myself ever since we have gotten married. I hate going to church by myself. You look around and see all of the families and I so desperately want mine to be there. I knew in my heart that it was only going to be for a brief moment though and that eventually he would be able to get a job where he did not have to work on Sunday's. Well, yesterday had a turn of events when my husband decided to share with me that he felt like my religion was a load of crap. He thinks that people are being spoonfed a bunch of lies and that none of it is true. He even went so far as to say that he doesn't even believe that there is a God. Really?! He said that he felt that he needed to tell me so that he wouldn't feel as if he was living a lie anymore. How nice! As if our marriage hasn't been hard enough...he has to go and throw that in there.
I have cried for the past couple of days because I just don't understand how this is happening. We met at church. We wree married in the temple. Our whole life together has been focused around the church. My life has always been focused around the church. Sometimes I feel as if the church is what defines me. The church is my life. It means everything to me. How am I supposed to be married to someone and raise a family with someone that doesn't believe any of the same things that I believe? I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I know that I can do all things through Christ...but really...why now?
He told me that he understands if I want to get a divorce because he knows that I want a priesthood holder in my home and he says he will never be that. I don't know what I want anymore! I only know that I don't want this. I want things to go back to the way that they used to be. I want him to go to church and to believe. I want a family that goes to church together, that prays together, and that reads their scriptures together. How am I going to do this by myself? I know that I am not alone, but let me just say that this feels pretty awful right now.
I just have to keep telling myself that I need to be like Christ. Christ did not just walk away from those that did not believe. I have to be the example for him. I have to be the example for my children. I can do this. But what if he never changes his mind? What if I have to do this alone forever? Am I strong enough? I want a happy marriage with roses and butterflies and all the happiness that you find in the books. I want the happilt ever after ending. If I quit now I will never know if my ending would have been one of those happy ones. But I am not sure if I am strong enough to do this forever. The ending might not be worth it. He may never believe.
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