New Light

So as I was reading my scriptures today I came across a quote. It is in reference to 1 Nephi 4:6..."And Iwas led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."

The quote is from Elder Boyd K. Packer. It says, "Shortly after I was called as a General Authority, I went to Elder Harold B. Lee for counsel. He listened very carefully to my problem and suggested that I see President David O. McKay. President McKay counseled me as to the direction I should go. I was very willing to be obedient but saw no way possible for me to do as he counseled me to do. I returned to Elder Lee and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, "The trouble with you is that you want to see the end from the beginning." I repolied that I would like to see atleast a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime, "You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you."

How fitting. I don't need to know right now how it will turn out in the end. Things will be ok. I feel at peace after reading this. I know that my Savior lives and that He loves me. He will not expect me to do things alone. I can do this! I just need to walk a little more by faith.

Wow!

So much time has passed and so much has happened since I last posted! The most exciting news is that Dylan is going to be a big brother. I am so excited to hasve another baby in the house! I am a little worried that I am going to be run ragged, but I know that it will all be worth it in the end. Because of the dramatics with Dylan's birth; I have a c-section scheduled for February 20th. In case anyone was wondering...that is only 7 weeks away!! So excited...but so nervous!

On another note I have a very heavy heart. My marriage has not been easy...that is for sure! I am trying so hard to love as Jesus loved and not give up. Chrys works every weekend so I have had to go to church by myself ever since we have gotten married. I hate going to church by myself. You look around and see all of the families and I so desperately want mine to be there. I knew in my heart that it was only going to be for a brief moment though and that eventually he would be able to get a job where he did not have to work on Sunday's. Well, yesterday had a turn of events when my husband decided to share with me that he felt like my religion was a load of crap. He thinks that people are being spoonfed a bunch of lies and that none of it is true. He even went so far as to say that he doesn't even believe that there is a God. Really?! He said that he felt that he needed to tell me so that he wouldn't feel as if he was living a lie anymore. How nice! As if our marriage hasn't been hard enough...he has to go and throw that in there.

I have cried for the past couple of days because I just don't understand how this is happening. We met at church. We wree married in the temple. Our whole life together has been focused around the church. My life has always been focused around the church. Sometimes I feel as if the church is what defines me. The church is my life. It means everything to me. How am I supposed to be married to someone and raise a family with someone that doesn't believe any of the same things that I believe? I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I know that I can do all things through Christ...but really...why now?

He told me that he understands if I want to get a divorce because he knows that I want a priesthood holder in my home and he says he will never be that. I don't know what I want anymore! I only know that I don't want this. I want things to go back to the way that they used to be. I want him to go to church and to believe. I want a family that goes to church together, that prays together, and that reads their scriptures together. How am I going to do this by myself? I know that I am not alone, but let me just say that this feels pretty awful right now.

I just have to keep telling myself that I need to be like Christ. Christ did not just walk away from those that did not believe. I have to be the example for him. I have to be the example for my children. I can do this. But what if he never changes his mind? What if I have to do this alone forever? Am I strong enough? I want a happy marriage with roses and butterflies and all the happiness that you find in the books. I want the happilt ever after ending. If I quit now I will never know if my ending would have been one of those happy ones. But I am not sure if I am strong enough to do this forever. The ending might not be worth it. He may never believe.

Grandma

So I was able to come to Alabama for the past week with my parents. We went to visit my Grandma's grave site. It was the first time that I have been there since her actual funeral. I miss her so very much! She was my best friend. She wasn't able to meet my husband or my beautiful son, but I have a feeling that she might have directed me towards them. She would have loved meeting Dylan...but then again she probably already has. When visiting the grave site I got an overwhleming feeling that reminded me of the scripture in Matthew when it talks talks about Christ. He is not here: for He is risen. My grandma is not at that gravesite. She is watching over us from above. Remebering this scripture makes me think of Easter. I love Easter...it is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the music and the Spirit that is felt as we focus our lives on Christ.

The Joy of Boys!

So changing a baby's diaper has been quite a learning experience. The other day I was changing my little man when he let out some gas and he ended up squirting my arm with his projectile poop! Yuck! I had my mom finish the job while I went and washed my hands. Then little Dylan started to pee. Lucky for my mom he was pointed up. Dylan peed all over his own little face and all over the back wall. It was so funny! How can such a little guy make such a mess?! Needless to say he got his first bath at home that day. I have a picture that is super cute that I will post later.

Beautiful Baby Boy

On February 8th I was sitting on my couch when around 11am I received a phone call. IT was th doctor that said some of my lab values were off and that she was going to admit me to the hospital for further observation until little Dylan was born. She asked me to meet her in her office at 1pm. I did so and we decided to check to see if I was dilated at all. I wasnt...but then I still had 4 1/2 weeks to go so no worries. She told me that we would probably atleast be waiting a couple of weeks to see how everything progressed. I had my grandpa and aunt marsha take me to the hospital since Chrys was at work. When I finally told Chrys that I was getting admitted he freaked out like always and left work and rushed up to the hospital. Everyone was freaking out over nothing. I was just getting locked up for a month or so in a pretty hospital room. Once I got settled; I kicked everyone out so I could work on homework and stuff. I rearranged the furniture the way I wanted it and spread out all of my homework, work stuff, and lap top on the desk in the back corner of the room. Then about 4 my nurse came in and said that I couldn't have anything to eat or drink. She wasn't sure exactl why but she said that normally that means that there is going to be a baby in the near future so that I might want to start acting more like a patient. I was just kind of confused and said ok. I finished what I was working on and then put my things away. I then called the nurse back into the room to see if I should call my family back...especially since Chrys had school that night. I didn't want to bother anyone (or have all those nervous Nellies back in my room) if it wasn't necessary. The nurse said that she wasn't sure but that the doctor would be back at 5pm and we should know more then. When the doctor arrived she told me that my liver function was failing and that she thinks it best that we do a c-section because there was too high of a risk of my blood pressure getting much worse if we tried to induce. I decided to be a good patient and say ok. She told me that we would plan on having the c-section around 7pm that very evening. What?! That certainly took me by suprise! I decided then that I should probably call my family back. I had to be calm for everyone else, but on the inside I was totally freaking out. There were problems with the spinal and I almost had to go under general anesthesia, but with the 4th try they finally got it. I was laying on the table when Chrys finally walked in and I just remember the tears pouring down my face. I was so scared! (I had watched Grey's Anatomy earlier that day when the lady woke up and felt her surgery) I kept asking Chrys if they had started cutting yet because I was terrified that I would feel it! I think I finally relaxed once he told me that they had started and I couldn't feel it. Little Dylan was born at 7:59 pm that Monday night. He weighed in at a whopping 5 pounds 5 ounces and was 19 inches long. My baby had premature lungs...just a little...and was taken to the NICU. I didn't get to see him until 2am...and even then I wasn't allowed to touch him. I just got to look through the little glass. The nurses said that he would be there for probably 4-6 weeks. I just said ok and was then taken back to my room. I crawled into my bed and cried and cried. All I wanted was a healthy baby and my little one was hooked up to a breathing machine. I was so sad! Little Dylan made a speedy recovery though and was released from the hospital that very Saturday. Each and every day I watched him get a little better and lose one tube after another. So instead of seeing my baby through ultrasound on my birthday; I got released from the hospital and I held Dylan in my arms. What a great day!

Lots of Fun...

There has been a lot that has gone on with the baby the past month or so...Chrys felt the baby move for the very first time on 1/1/10. He was very excited to feel that tiny little kick! I don't remember when I first felt him move, but I do remember not being too sure if it was really him or just my belly! :) His movements are a little more defined now! I am still pretty much sick as ever...this is terrible! Let me also add that I am not a very nice sick person! I cry and I whine and I am not quite sure if it is my goal to make everyone else as miserable as me or what...but it happens! I got admitted to the hospital last Tuesday because I couldn't keep anything down for about 3 days. That was quite a joyous experience. I did learn that when you throw up jello; it comes back up as gelatin. That's pretty cool...huh?! Anyway, I got pumped full of IV fluids and IV nausea medicine and the little one got hooked to a monitor and then I went back to work. Then, at my appointment today my blood pressure was too high and there was protein in my urine. So the little one got hooked back up to the monitor and I got to have lots of blood work done. Seriously?! I am supposed to be young enough that this does not happen to me! I guess it is better to be safe than sorry. I am still able to work and my baby boy is still healthy...so all is well. I will be getting another ultrasound at my next appointment which just happens to be on my birthday. What a great birthday present...to get a sneak peak at my little boy! So the countdown is officially on...I have about 5 weeks left until his due date! The little one and I will be very closely monitored until then because I have a very high risk for toxemia and preeclampsia and stuff...but not too much longer!

It's a Boy!

So I found out awhile ago that my precious little one is a baby boy. I have had a total of 3 ultrasounds (only 2 of which were far enough along to tell the gender). They both say boy so we are pretty sure that he's a little boy. We are so excited! He has been moving quite a bit lately. It's such a fun feeling. He is not quite strong enough to really kick but he feels just like a little flutter in my belly. The dogs have been super clingy lately so I wonder if they know that something is going on. I was up all night again last night being sick and I had a sick puppy throwing up right along side of me. I wonder if it's sympathy sickness? We both seem to be doing fine now. School is winding down. All of my assignments are finished except for one last test. Without having my school work to focus on, though, I am pretty bored. I feel like I just sit around and watch my life waste away. There are so many things I can do...such as clean the house. Then I think that there is no point because it will just be dirty again tomorrow. If the house is this bad now...what in the world is it going to be like with an extra edition? It is more than a full time job just trying to pick up after my husband. I have a feeling that the house will be nothing short of a nightmare. Anyway...My belly is starting to show the baby now so that is kind of fun to actually see him. The little one will be making his appearance in about 3 more months. While time has seemed to drag on so slowly these past few months...at the same time I wonder where all the time has gone.

Car Accident

Well some exciting...or not so exciting news is that Chrys was in a car accident on Sunday. Of course, it just happened to be his birthday too! Yuck! He crushed his left ring finger and had to have a metal rod and eight screws put in the place of his finger bone. Let me just say that boys in pain equals no fun! To top everything off...his deductable for the surgery just happens to be 2000 dollars! Tell me how some little surgery that took only an hour can cost more than having a baby...stupid! So much for having a savings account!

Pregnancy Hormones

So I think I exerienced my fair share of pregnancy hormones today. I was watching the baby show on TLC today because I was procrastinating doing school work. I was so excited every second of the way and then...the baby came. I couldn't stop crying! Really?! Seriously?!! The mom that had just given birth was not crying...why was I crying? :) I have always that of the little ones as tiny miracles. I am so excited to meet my prcious angel. I feel like I have been pregnant and waiting forever, but in reality it has only just begun. I am just so excited to meet the little one!

Interview

So have you ever wanted something so bad and then when you have it right in the palm of your hands you just aren't sure anymore. I have theopportunity of a lifetime but I don't know what I want anymore. I started nursing with the end goal to work with babies. I love little kiddos and thats what I have wanted to do my entire life. What I didn't know at the time of making that goal is that it is nearly impossible to get a job doing that. Everyone wants to work with kids and babies. I found a different job that I didn't necessarily want, but I grew to love it. I have the perfect shift, and I like my job. I got an email yesterday from the clinical manager at Community North wanting to set up an interview for the maternity ward. What?! They are contacting me?! Thats not supposed to happen! I have a good job. I am very good at it. I can pretty much do it with my eyes closed. I am expecting my first baby. I am also in school...taking 4 classes this semster. Would it be crazy to switc h jobs right now? I have a lot on my plate. School takes a lot of time. I am sick all of the time. Plus I am trying to help Chrys through school. Work, for me, is nothing. I don't even have to think anymore to do my job. It's easy. I don't know the first thing about having a baby or taking care of a baby. (How ironic since I am expecting...I know!) This job will be hard! I remember when I first started rehab 2 years ago...I cried everyday because it was too hard. I am not good at new things. IT takes time to learn new things. Yuck! I don't like hard! BUT...it could be something that I end up loving. I will never know if I don't try. Also, how much do I really want to learn right before having a baby? I think it would be better not to have the inside knowledge. The other down side...if I get the job...is that I would be back on night shift. YUCK! I don't like night shift. I feel like I am always tired! BUT...then again it is only three days a week. I think I am going to interview and just see what happens. There is no harm in that right?

Heartbeat!!

I got to hear my baby's heartbeat today!! So Exciting!! It just makes everything more real!! Chrys was pretty bummed that he wasn't able to be there but we were both very excited! I am supposedly 12 weeks along but my first ultrasound will be towards the end of next week to verify the dates and to see how our little one is growing!

Sickness

So I pretty much had a breakdown on Tuesday. I cried and cried and cried some more. No one ever told me that this would be the worst nine months of my life. Then I feel bad for saying that because it shouldn't be that bad. It is that bad. Tuesday was my only day off this week. I woke up at 9am and immediately went to the bathroom to throw up. I stayed there until 10 when the look of the inside of the toilet bowl was making me more sick. It was dirty! Gross! So then I graduated to the bathroom trashcan. I went back to bed until 2 o'clock. I woke up to tell Chrys goodbye and then I went back to sleep until 6. This time I managed to stay awake until 8 and got a little bit of food down. At 8 I went back to bed until I had to get up the next morning for work. I am miserable 24 hours a day. I am a very bad sick person. I hate being sick more than anything in the world. I can normally bear it because I know that I will only be sick for a few days. There is no end in sight for this. I have been sick everyday for 2 months! I take phenergan which is supposed to help. It doesn't. I take zofran which is the only thing that seems to help. Only one problem with that...insurance only pays for 17 pills a month! What?! The pill only stays in your system for 6 hours. I am the lucky girl that gets to pick and choose what days to be only half sick instead of all the way sick. So of course I have to take the medicine before I go to work or else I really might die! It doesn't always work though. I threw up today in a patients bathroom after emptying a urinal. Seriously...and it was pretty yellow pee. Not too dark...no real smell. Still resulted in throw up! I don't know how people do this for nine months. Poor Chrys...he had no idea...I don't really get sick that much. He did not know what I was like when I was sick! Luckily he takes care of everything right now. He fixes all of our food. Oh and did I mention that we work different shifts. So he fixes my dinner before he goes to work. He packs my lunch for me. He gets up with me before I leave for work in the mornings. He does all the dishes. He does all of the laundry. He does all of the yard work. He takes care of the dogs AND he still works full time. I have pretty much just been a permanent attachment to the toilet bowl. I feel like I can't do anything at all...its terrible! Everyday I cry and ask myself what I have gotten into. Chrys just tells me that if he could carry the baby that he would but for now I just need to focus on the final product. The only thing that makes the sickness better is sleep...and even then I wake up in the middle of the night sick. Here I am thinking that pregant women just complaine a lot. Nope...I can vouch...al the complaining is very very valid! They earned it!

Expecting!

So about a week or so after the honeymoon I just had this weird kind of feeling of...hm...I think I am pregnant. But seriously...how could you ever know...so I just ignored it. Then around the 4th of July I was a few days late for my period...the feeling came back...hm...I think I am pregnant. I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive. Then I took another and it came back positive. Chrys was just so excited that he wanted to tell anyone that he has ever spoken to in his entire life! I told him...no way could he tell...what if something happened?! I told my mom...because what else are you supposed to do? I had no idea! To my disappointment, my mom was not that excited. She just told me that it was way to early to tell. It didn't feel to early to me. Afterall I had had the suspicion for almost 3 weeks! Thats a long time to keep a secret! But since my mom told me I was crazy for taking a home pregancy test that early...I just waited. I waited until I was nauseaus and felt like dying for about a wekk and a half. It was decided that either I waas pregnant or I was really really sick! Surely, after women have been getting pregnant for all these years there has been something created so that they don't have to feel this sick all of the time! Chrys was really excited about my doctors appointment. He wanted to go but I made him stay home. He didn't need to watch me pee in a cup! So after all of this waiting...I found out that I have a serious illness that makes me sick just sabout 24 hours a day. Its called pregnancy!!! Ahhh!!!! I am still way to early off to tell anyone but blogging doesn't count...right?! I am only about 8 weeks. I have been told that the nausea gets better. Let's hope so! I was up in the middle of the night to throw up. I have to leave patients rooms just because I feel like throwing up! Its terrible! The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of the little baby I will get to raise in just a little while. So the moral of the story is that you really can tell that you are pregnant early on...and mom...I was not crazy! I just knew! :)I am so super excited!!!

Married!

Oh goodness! I can hardly believe that I am married! It's weird...but nice at the same time. I love having him with me all the time! It's great! Roomates on the other hand...while the money is good...the company is not so much. I have wanted more than anything to just have some good friends...but friends are never good to you and that is a fact. At some point in the relationship you will always get hurt. Sigh...I don't understand it...I already hate my new ward and I am trying to figure out how to move. It would be real convenient if the boundaries could move and I wouldn't have to. I already know that I am not going to fit in and I just absolutely hate it. Everyone is old and has kids and knew me when I was a kid. I am not a kid. I have changed so very much in just the past year. People there do not know me. I hung out with a yound couple that was a friend of mine in high school today. Surely I would fit in with them...NOPE! I just don't fit in...I have a few select friends from the branch tat I fit in with but even that wasn't very much. My social life is going to consist of work and chrys...and only chrys when he isnt at work or doing school work. I like the honeymoon...but after that I am not a big fan of married life. We are never going to see each other...and now I can't hang out with my friends because everything that we used to do was a singles activity. I think I really do want to move. I am depressed before going to the new ward... I just don't want to do it. I just want everyone to be happy (incluiding me!) As we have established in earlier posts...I am just not a happy person. Oh well!

Truly Happy

Ok...so I will admit...I get hurt easily and I sometimes make things bigger than they are. I was broken and it was very real pain. I talked to him. I love him. I really am happy. I think I am actually happier now than I was before. I believe that things will work out.

Hurt

Why do I choose to let myself get hurt. My heart burns. My soul aches. I want so badly to have a family. I was happy with Chrys; I was. I could have seen myself marrying him. Now, however, my world has started spinning and my life is in a haze. I don't know which way is up...much less how to follow my heart. I always thought that my true love would find me and I would know that that was what I wanted. I was never given the piece of paper that defined what I wanted in a person. I just thought that person would find me and then I would know. I am hurting. I am starting to shake. I am confused. I have always prided myself on being the girl that didn't care. I don't need a boy to be by my side at all times. I don't care if he goes and plays and doesn't come home at night. I don't care. However, now that it comes down to it...I do care. I don't necessarily need him to be there, but I needed the offer to be there. I needed to know that I mattrered and that he didn't want me to hurt. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me that things are going to be ok and that we would get through it. Instead I got..."I don't want to be here any longer than I have to be." Oh and another good quote was, "Don't come crawling back...things won't be the same." My poor body couldn't handle it. It hurt me. I always get hurt. It is quite a familiar feeling. I try to prevent it, but then I realize that there are only 2 outcomes to dating. Outcome #1 is everyone is happy and you get married. Outcome #2 is that someone gets to hurt. One thing good did come of this. I had forgotten about a good friend of mine. We don't talk too much anymore. He called yesterday right after all this madness. The exact reason he called was to get Chrys' phone number...go figure. But, he knew that I was upset by the tone of my voice. He said, "I will come over. We can talk." I said, "Thats ok. I have to make dinner for my family. I don't want to make you eat with my family." He said,"Laura, I don't mind being with your family as long as you are ok with it." Really? He was willing to come and hang out with my family? Weird! People don't like to do that. We hadn't talked in such a long time. I cried. I cried about Chrys. I cried about being confused. I cried about my parents leaving me. He stayed with me. He never left. He didn't care about the other parties going on. He cared about me. I needed that so much! It's more than the...call if you need anything. It's...I'm coming over now because I know that you need company. I love him. I love my friends. They know what I need no matter what I say. They don't take the easy way out.

The thing to my tears is that it is never just one thing that makes me cry. It is the accumulation of everything and then I just break. I have cried over my parents leaving me before. I do it often. BUT, it is still on my mind. And when I start to hurt...everything comes crashing down.

I still hurt. I will probably hurt for a really long time. That's what I do. I am sad. I am very bad at being alone. I don't like being alone. I like to be with someone else. If I am alone then I atleast talk to someone on the phone or text. Everyone is at work. Who can I talk to? I am lonely. I want to learn to not need other people. I want to learn to love being alone. I don't know if I will ever be able to do it. I just need someone to talk to...

Priorities

Have you ever just wanted to be someone else's priority? I supposedly had a boy that loved me...did he really though? Eh...debatable. When you love someone...shouldn't you want to spend time with them. I made plans specifically around him. I wanted to spend time with him. Oh but he told me at 4:10 that he wasn't going to be able to make it because his friends are more important than me. Wonderful! So much for being loved! Whats it matter though...right? I have said all along that you shouldn't get too close because you always get hurt. I am waiting for the one time that I will be proven wrong. Will it ever happen? Seriously...am I that hard of a person to get along with? I guess so. One day I will be happy. It's better to be truly happy then to try to make something work that never will. I will be patient and try my best to be happy. One day someone will want to spend time with me. I will be the priority. I just hate the whole dating process. Once you start to open up and really trust someone its like you just end up getting kicked in the face. But then it goes back to my previous posts when I said that you should never trust people. Point tried and proven.

Fun

I feel like my life is missing the fun it deserves. All too often my soul is engulfed by bouts of depression. When I battle major life decisions I don't know if it is me, the Spirit, or depression speaking. How sad is that?! I am dating a boy that seems to really care. He says all the right things. He says he wants to marry me. What?! Are you freaking kidding me?! I have only been dating him for a month! It's times like these that I wish I was a kid again. I want to date for fun. I want to go out on the town and laugh and play and joke and just get to know people. Don't get me wrong...I really do want to get married...but I want to be madly in love and not be able to imagine my life without that person. Does that type thing exist? Another thing is that I want my eternal companion to be my equal. I know that its not always 50-50, but I really want it to be a give and take type of thing. He doesn't have a job. Maybe it's just a rough time. That's why I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. BUT...he seems content with no job. He watches his friends kids and that pays the rent so that is good enough. WRONG...You have to have the desire to work...to better yourself...How on earth do you think you can get married if you can't even pay your own bills? Granted I make enough to support myself and another. Is it bad that I don't want to have to do that? I always thought that I would be cool being a sugar momma...now that my opportunity has pressented itself I am having second thoughts. I know that money isn't everything...but work ethic kind of is. I am not sure this boy has any. We have only been dating for a month. I feel like the happy go lucky honey moon stage of dating is already gone. He would rather watch tv then spend time with me. Not all the time but still...Another thing is that I like to go out. We don't have to spend money to go out and have fun. He doesn't like to go out. He likes to sit and watch movies and do nothing. I like a relaxing day like the rest of them, but I love going out. I enjoy staying busy. He enjoys sitting and watching tv and playing video games. That is not what I am into. I understand that we don't have to like the same things...but honestly do we like any of the same things? I enjoy spending time with him...I do. Then I think...maybe I just enjoy the companionship. Am I scared of commitment? Why yes...I think I am. Am I scared of a failed marriage...I think I am. But do I really want to rush into marriage with the second boy that I have ever dated...pretty sure no. I want to get married AFTER I fall in love. I don't want to get married just to get married. I think that its better to be alone than to rush into a marriage and be unhappy. I hate the stupid time frame...he says he is gonna propose in about 6 months...so I sit and think it out...I better decide what I want in 5 so I can break it off if I want. That is so freakin retarded. I just want to go out and date for fun without the pressure of getting married. I know that a realationship is not going to be easy...but at what point is it not worth working for? How long do you hold on; hoping that it might change; hoping that you might fall in love. I do love him...I am just not IN Love with him. How can I be after only one month. The thing is...every example in my life was already in love by this point...am I broken? Is he not the one? Or do I stick it out and hope to be happy? I mean I am happy...its just I have a lot on my mind. I hate dating. When I like someone they don't ever like me back. When someone likes me...they just scare me away. I want someone that will take responsability for their actions...for their short comings...and I want them to work to fix them...no more excuses...just fix it! So now I am left to wonder if this is the Spirit telling me that the relationship is not right...is this me being afraid to let someone love me? Is this the depression trying to ruin every good thing in my life? Right now I am not sure...

ER

So...today I was watching last weeks episode of ER. It's a good show. However, it just made me start to cry. This woman remembers the death of her son and it was a very touching story. It made me cry because I relived the day my grandma died. I miss her so much. I want her here. I want to be able to tell her about this amazing boy that I am dating. I want to show her my new outfit. I want to tell her about my job since I have graduated. I miss her sooo much. It has been 7 months. It seems like an eternity. I keep telling myself that our time here on earth is but a small moment...but sometimes t just feels really really long! I know that I will see her again and I know that she is watching down on me now. It's still just not the same. I can't talk about her to my friends because they didn't know her. I can't talk about her with my family because that just makes everyone sad. I just really miss her though. Gosh...I have tears streaming down my face just thinking about her. I have her picture on my wall. I love it. I miss her so much. She had such faith in Christ and such a sweet spirit. Her smile was perfect. She really truly had the pure love of Christ. She is the most amazing person that I have ever known. I want to talk about her. I want to remeber her. Christmas will be hard. I remember last year she made us put up the big tree because she said that that was going to be her hast Christmas. I just kinda laughed. My grandma was only 63. Healthcare has improved. She wasn't gonna die. She did die. I should have spent more time with her. I should have called her more. I just miss her so much. I held her hand as she died. I remember the only thing I could think to do as she died was to pull the bandaids off her arms. I needed to be helpful. I pulled bandaids off! Seriously! Thats so dumb! It's dumb but I will always remember it. Now when I think of bandaids I think of that day. I loved my grandma so very much. She will always live in my heart.

Better Than I Deserve

I have a boy that adores me. He is way better than I deserve. He only seems to recognize the good things about me. It is like he is blind to all the bad. Weird. I love him. I would never tell him that I love him because...well...it's awkward to tell someone that you are dating that you love them. However, if he was only my friend I would have no qualms. How can someone be so kind and caring and not afraid to show the world. He has seriously just put so much trust in me. How can he know that I would never hurt him. People hurt other people. That's what people do! How can he trust me so much?! It's true that I would never hurt him...atleast not on purpose. BUT come on...putting your emotions out there for the whole facebook world to see? Who does that? I might blog...but most people don't take the time to read the blogs. Everyone sees facebook! My poor little heart is melting. I love him. He is a great friend. A friend that focuses on everything that I do right instead of everything I do wrong. I need to be a better friend to myself. He said that he wears his heart on his sleeve. He does. He puts everything out there...no holding back. As for me...well...my heart is on my sleeve as well. The only difference is that my heart is in a box, wrapped 4 times around with sheet metal, with steel bars and barbed wire around that. I can't help it. I truly do love everyone. The problem is that I just don't want anyone else to love me back. When I love everyone it makes me happy. When I let others love me ...well...I just don't let that happen. I am always here waiting for something to go wrong. Maybe it is time to start preparing for the best. It has just always been easier for me to start disappointed and to work my way up than the other way around. That also might be the reason that I spend most of my time not being happy. Overall, the world is good. And that means that people are probably also good. Good things do happen sometimes. Dreams can come true if you are willing to let them.