New Light

So as I was reading my scriptures today I came across a quote. It is in reference to 1 Nephi 4:6..."And Iwas led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."

The quote is from Elder Boyd K. Packer. It says, "Shortly after I was called as a General Authority, I went to Elder Harold B. Lee for counsel. He listened very carefully to my problem and suggested that I see President David O. McKay. President McKay counseled me as to the direction I should go. I was very willing to be obedient but saw no way possible for me to do as he counseled me to do. I returned to Elder Lee and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, "The trouble with you is that you want to see the end from the beginning." I repolied that I would like to see atleast a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime, "You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you."

How fitting. I don't need to know right now how it will turn out in the end. Things will be ok. I feel at peace after reading this. I know that my Savior lives and that He loves me. He will not expect me to do things alone. I can do this! I just need to walk a little more by faith.

Wow!

So much time has passed and so much has happened since I last posted! The most exciting news is that Dylan is going to be a big brother. I am so excited to hasve another baby in the house! I am a little worried that I am going to be run ragged, but I know that it will all be worth it in the end. Because of the dramatics with Dylan's birth; I have a c-section scheduled for February 20th. In case anyone was wondering...that is only 7 weeks away!! So excited...but so nervous!

On another note I have a very heavy heart. My marriage has not been easy...that is for sure! I am trying so hard to love as Jesus loved and not give up. Chrys works every weekend so I have had to go to church by myself ever since we have gotten married. I hate going to church by myself. You look around and see all of the families and I so desperately want mine to be there. I knew in my heart that it was only going to be for a brief moment though and that eventually he would be able to get a job where he did not have to work on Sunday's. Well, yesterday had a turn of events when my husband decided to share with me that he felt like my religion was a load of crap. He thinks that people are being spoonfed a bunch of lies and that none of it is true. He even went so far as to say that he doesn't even believe that there is a God. Really?! He said that he felt that he needed to tell me so that he wouldn't feel as if he was living a lie anymore. How nice! As if our marriage hasn't been hard enough...he has to go and throw that in there.

I have cried for the past couple of days because I just don't understand how this is happening. We met at church. We wree married in the temple. Our whole life together has been focused around the church. My life has always been focused around the church. Sometimes I feel as if the church is what defines me. The church is my life. It means everything to me. How am I supposed to be married to someone and raise a family with someone that doesn't believe any of the same things that I believe? I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I know that I can do all things through Christ...but really...why now?

He told me that he understands if I want to get a divorce because he knows that I want a priesthood holder in my home and he says he will never be that. I don't know what I want anymore! I only know that I don't want this. I want things to go back to the way that they used to be. I want him to go to church and to believe. I want a family that goes to church together, that prays together, and that reads their scriptures together. How am I going to do this by myself? I know that I am not alone, but let me just say that this feels pretty awful right now.

I just have to keep telling myself that I need to be like Christ. Christ did not just walk away from those that did not believe. I have to be the example for him. I have to be the example for my children. I can do this. But what if he never changes his mind? What if I have to do this alone forever? Am I strong enough? I want a happy marriage with roses and butterflies and all the happiness that you find in the books. I want the happilt ever after ending. If I quit now I will never know if my ending would have been one of those happy ones. But I am not sure if I am strong enough to do this forever. The ending might not be worth it. He may never believe.

Grandma

So I was able to come to Alabama for the past week with my parents. We went to visit my Grandma's grave site. It was the first time that I have been there since her actual funeral. I miss her so very much! She was my best friend. She wasn't able to meet my husband or my beautiful son, but I have a feeling that she might have directed me towards them. She would have loved meeting Dylan...but then again she probably already has. When visiting the grave site I got an overwhleming feeling that reminded me of the scripture in Matthew when it talks talks about Christ. He is not here: for He is risen. My grandma is not at that gravesite. She is watching over us from above. Remebering this scripture makes me think of Easter. I love Easter...it is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the music and the Spirit that is felt as we focus our lives on Christ.

The Joy of Boys!

So changing a baby's diaper has been quite a learning experience. The other day I was changing my little man when he let out some gas and he ended up squirting my arm with his projectile poop! Yuck! I had my mom finish the job while I went and washed my hands. Then little Dylan started to pee. Lucky for my mom he was pointed up. Dylan peed all over his own little face and all over the back wall. It was so funny! How can such a little guy make such a mess?! Needless to say he got his first bath at home that day. I have a picture that is super cute that I will post later.

Beautiful Baby Boy

On February 8th I was sitting on my couch when around 11am I received a phone call. IT was th doctor that said some of my lab values were off and that she was going to admit me to the hospital for further observation until little Dylan was born. She asked me to meet her in her office at 1pm. I did so and we decided to check to see if I was dilated at all. I wasnt...but then I still had 4 1/2 weeks to go so no worries. She told me that we would probably atleast be waiting a couple of weeks to see how everything progressed. I had my grandpa and aunt marsha take me to the hospital since Chrys was at work. When I finally told Chrys that I was getting admitted he freaked out like always and left work and rushed up to the hospital. Everyone was freaking out over nothing. I was just getting locked up for a month or so in a pretty hospital room. Once I got settled; I kicked everyone out so I could work on homework and stuff. I rearranged the furniture the way I wanted it and spread out all of my homework, work stuff, and lap top on the desk in the back corner of the room. Then about 4 my nurse came in and said that I couldn't have anything to eat or drink. She wasn't sure exactl why but she said that normally that means that there is going to be a baby in the near future so that I might want to start acting more like a patient. I was just kind of confused and said ok. I finished what I was working on and then put my things away. I then called the nurse back into the room to see if I should call my family back...especially since Chrys had school that night. I didn't want to bother anyone (or have all those nervous Nellies back in my room) if it wasn't necessary. The nurse said that she wasn't sure but that the doctor would be back at 5pm and we should know more then. When the doctor arrived she told me that my liver function was failing and that she thinks it best that we do a c-section because there was too high of a risk of my blood pressure getting much worse if we tried to induce. I decided to be a good patient and say ok. She told me that we would plan on having the c-section around 7pm that very evening. What?! That certainly took me by suprise! I decided then that I should probably call my family back. I had to be calm for everyone else, but on the inside I was totally freaking out. There were problems with the spinal and I almost had to go under general anesthesia, but with the 4th try they finally got it. I was laying on the table when Chrys finally walked in and I just remember the tears pouring down my face. I was so scared! (I had watched Grey's Anatomy earlier that day when the lady woke up and felt her surgery) I kept asking Chrys if they had started cutting yet because I was terrified that I would feel it! I think I finally relaxed once he told me that they had started and I couldn't feel it. Little Dylan was born at 7:59 pm that Monday night. He weighed in at a whopping 5 pounds 5 ounces and was 19 inches long. My baby had premature lungs...just a little...and was taken to the NICU. I didn't get to see him until 2am...and even then I wasn't allowed to touch him. I just got to look through the little glass. The nurses said that he would be there for probably 4-6 weeks. I just said ok and was then taken back to my room. I crawled into my bed and cried and cried. All I wanted was a healthy baby and my little one was hooked up to a breathing machine. I was so sad! Little Dylan made a speedy recovery though and was released from the hospital that very Saturday. Each and every day I watched him get a little better and lose one tube after another. So instead of seeing my baby through ultrasound on my birthday; I got released from the hospital and I held Dylan in my arms. What a great day!

Lots of Fun...

There has been a lot that has gone on with the baby the past month or so...Chrys felt the baby move for the very first time on 1/1/10. He was very excited to feel that tiny little kick! I don't remember when I first felt him move, but I do remember not being too sure if it was really him or just my belly! :) His movements are a little more defined now! I am still pretty much sick as ever...this is terrible! Let me also add that I am not a very nice sick person! I cry and I whine and I am not quite sure if it is my goal to make everyone else as miserable as me or what...but it happens! I got admitted to the hospital last Tuesday because I couldn't keep anything down for about 3 days. That was quite a joyous experience. I did learn that when you throw up jello; it comes back up as gelatin. That's pretty cool...huh?! Anyway, I got pumped full of IV fluids and IV nausea medicine and the little one got hooked to a monitor and then I went back to work. Then, at my appointment today my blood pressure was too high and there was protein in my urine. So the little one got hooked back up to the monitor and I got to have lots of blood work done. Seriously?! I am supposed to be young enough that this does not happen to me! I guess it is better to be safe than sorry. I am still able to work and my baby boy is still healthy...so all is well. I will be getting another ultrasound at my next appointment which just happens to be on my birthday. What a great birthday present...to get a sneak peak at my little boy! So the countdown is officially on...I have about 5 weeks left until his due date! The little one and I will be very closely monitored until then because I have a very high risk for toxemia and preeclampsia and stuff...but not too much longer!

It's a Boy!

So I found out awhile ago that my precious little one is a baby boy. I have had a total of 3 ultrasounds (only 2 of which were far enough along to tell the gender). They both say boy so we are pretty sure that he's a little boy. We are so excited! He has been moving quite a bit lately. It's such a fun feeling. He is not quite strong enough to really kick but he feels just like a little flutter in my belly. The dogs have been super clingy lately so I wonder if they know that something is going on. I was up all night again last night being sick and I had a sick puppy throwing up right along side of me. I wonder if it's sympathy sickness? We both seem to be doing fine now. School is winding down. All of my assignments are finished except for one last test. Without having my school work to focus on, though, I am pretty bored. I feel like I just sit around and watch my life waste away. There are so many things I can do...such as clean the house. Then I think that there is no point because it will just be dirty again tomorrow. If the house is this bad now...what in the world is it going to be like with an extra edition? It is more than a full time job just trying to pick up after my husband. I have a feeling that the house will be nothing short of a nightmare. Anyway...My belly is starting to show the baby now so that is kind of fun to actually see him. The little one will be making his appearance in about 3 more months. While time has seemed to drag on so slowly these past few months...at the same time I wonder where all the time has gone.