Creating my Masterpiece

New Light

2012-01-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

So as I was reading my scriptures today I came across a quote. It is in reference to 1 Nephi 4:6..."And Iwas led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."

The quote is from Elder Boyd K. Packer. It says, "Shortly after I was called as a General Authority, I went to Elder Harold B. Lee for counsel. He listened very carefully to my problem and suggested that I see President David O. McKay. President McKay counseled me as to the direction I should go. I was very willing to be obedient but saw no way possible for me to do as he counseled me to do. I returned to Elder Lee and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, "The trouble with you is that you want to see the end from the beginning." I repolied that I would like to see atleast a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime, "You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you."

How fitting. I don't need to know right now how it will turn out in the end. Things will be ok. I feel at peace after reading this. I know that my Savior lives and that He loves me. He will not expect me to do things alone. I can do this! I just need to walk a little more by faith.

Wow!

2012-01-04T05:13:00.000-08:00

So much time has passed and so much has happened since I last posted! The most exciting news is that Dylan is going to be a big brother. I am so excited to hasve another baby in the house! I am a little worried that I am going to be run ragged, but I know that it will all be worth it in the end. Because of the dramatics with Dylan's birth; I have a c-section scheduled for February 20th. In case anyone was wondering...that is only 7 weeks away!! So excited...but so nervous!

On another note I have a very heavy heart. My marriage has not been easy...that is for sure! I am trying so hard to love as Jesus loved and not give up. Chrys works every weekend so I have had to go to church by myself ever since we have gotten married. I hate going to church by myself. You look around and see all of the families and I so desperately want mine to be there. I knew in my heart that it was only going to be for a brief moment though and that eventually he would be able to get a job where he did not have to work on Sunday's. Well, yesterday had a turn of events when my husband decided to share with me that he felt like my religion was a load of crap. He thinks that people are being spoonfed a bunch of lies and that none of it is true. He even went so far as to say that he doesn't even believe that there is a God. Really?! He said that he felt that he needed to tell me so that he wouldn't feel as if he was living a lie anymore. How nice! As if our marriage hasn't been hard enough...he has to go and throw that in there.

I have cried for the past couple of days because I just don't understand how this is happening. We met at church. We wree married in the temple. Our whole life together has been focused around the church. My life has always been focused around the church. Sometimes I feel as if the church is what defines me. The church is my life. It means everything to me. How am I supposed to be married to someone and raise a family with someone that doesn't believe any of the same things that I believe? I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I know that I can do all things through Christ...but really...why now?

He told me that he understands if I want to get a divorce because he knows that I want a priesthood holder in my home and he says he will never be that. I don't know what I want anymore! I only know that I don't want this. I want things to go back to the way that they used to be. I want him to go to church and to believe. I want a family that goes to church together, that prays together, and that reads their scriptures together. How am I going to do this by myself? I know that I am not alone, but let me just say that this feels pretty awful right now.

I just have to keep telling myself that I need to be like Christ. Christ did not just walk away from those that did not believe. I have to be the example for him. I have to be the example for my children. I can do this. But what if he never changes his mind? What if I have to do this alone forever? Am I strong enough? I want a happy marriage with roses and butterflies and all the happiness that you find in the books. I want the happilt ever after ending. If I quit now I will never know if my ending would have been one of those happy ones. But I am not sure if I am strong enough to do this forever. The ending might not be worth it. He may never believe.

Grandma

2010-03-09T11:29:00.000-08:00

So I was able to come to Alabama for the past week with my parents. We went to visit my Grandma's grave site. It was the first time that I have been there since her actual funeral. I miss her so very much! She was my best friend. She wasn't able to meet my husband or my beautiful son, but I have a feeling that she might have directed me towards them. She would have loved meeting Dylan...but then again she probably already has. When visiting the grave site I got an overwhleming feeling that reminded me of the scripture in Matthew when it talks talks about Christ. He is not here: for He is risen. My grandma is not at that gravesite. She is watching over us from above. Remebering this scripture makes me think of Easter. I love Easter...it is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the music and the Spirit that is felt as we focus our lives on Christ.

The Joy of Boys!

2010-03-02T08:27:00.000-08:00

So changing a baby's diaper has been quite a learning experience. The other day I was changing my little man when he let out some gas and he ended up squirting my arm with his projectile poop! Yuck! I had my mom finish the job while I went and washed my hands. Then little Dylan started to pee. Lucky for my mom he was pointed up. Dylan peed all over his own little face and all over the back wall. It was so funny! How can such a little guy make such a mess?! Needless to say he got his first bath at home that day. I have a picture that is super cute that I will post later.

Beautiful Baby Boy

2010-02-23T20:36:00.000-08:00

On February 8th I was sitting on my couch when around 11am I received a phone call. IT was th doctor that said some of my lab values were off and that she was going to admit me to the hospital for further observation until little Dylan was born. She asked me to meet her in her office at 1pm. I did so and we decided to check to see if I was dilated at all. I wasnt...but then I still had 4 1/2 weeks to go so no worries. She told me that we would probably atleast be waiting a couple of weeks to see how everything progressed. I had my grandpa and aunt marsha take me to the hospital since Chrys was at work. When I finally told Chrys that I was getting admitted he freaked out like always and left work and rushed up to the hospital. Everyone was freaking out over nothing. I was just getting locked up for a month or so in a pretty hospital room. Once I got settled; I kicked everyone out so I could work on homework and stuff. I rearranged the furniture the way I wanted it and spread out all of my homework, work stuff, and lap top on the desk in the back corner of the room. Then about 4 my nurse came in and said that I couldn't have anything to eat or drink. She wasn't sure exactl why but she said that normally that means that there is going to be a baby in the near future so that I might want to start acting more like a patient. I was just kind of confused and said ok. I finished what I was working on and then put my things away. I then called the nurse back into the room to see if I should call my family back...especially since Chrys had school that night. I didn't want to bother anyone (or have all those nervous Nellies back in my room) if it wasn't necessary. The nurse said that she wasn't sure but that the doctor would be back at 5pm and we should know more then. When the doctor arrived she told me that my liver function was failing and that she thinks it best that we do a c-section because there was too high of a risk of my blood pressure getting much worse if we tried to induce. I decided to be a good patient and say ok. She told me that we would plan on having the c-section around 7pm that very evening. What?! That certainly took me by suprise! I decided then that I should probably call my family back. I had to be calm for everyone else, but on the inside I was totally freaking out. There were problems with the spinal and I almost had to go under general anesthesia, but with the 4th try they finally got it. I was laying on the table when Chrys finally walked in and I just remember the tears pouring down my face. I was so scared! (I had watched Grey's Anatomy earlier that day when the lady woke up and felt her surgery) I kept asking Chrys if they had started cutting yet because I was terrified that I would feel it! I think I finally relaxed once he told me that they had started and I couldn't feel it. Little Dylan was born at 7:59 pm that Monday night. He weighed in at a whopping 5 pounds 5 ounces and was 19 inches long. My baby had premature lungs...just a little...and was taken to the NICU. I didn't get to see him until 2am...and even then I wasn't allowed to touch him. I just got to look through the little glass. The nurses said that he would be there for probably 4-6 weeks. I just said ok and was then taken back to my room. I crawled into my bed and cried and cried. All I wanted was a healthy baby and my little one was hooked up to a breathing machine. I was so sad! Little Dylan made a speedy recovery though and was released from the hospital that very Saturday. Each and every day I watched him get a little better and lose one tube after another. So instead of seeing my baby through ultrasound on my birthday; I got released from the hospital and I held Dylan in my arms. What a great day!

Lots of Fun...

2010-02-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot that has gone on with the baby the past month or so...Chrys felt the baby move for the very first time on 1/1/10. He was very excited to feel that tiny little kick! I don't remember when I first felt him move, but I do remember not being too sure if it was really him or just my belly! :) His movements are a little more defined now! I am still pretty much sick as ever...this is terrible! Let me also add that I am not a very nice sick person! I cry and I whine and I am not quite sure if it is my goal to make everyone else as miserable as me or what...but it happens! I got admitted to the hospital last Tuesday because I couldn't keep anything down for about 3 days. That was quite a joyous experience. I did learn that when you throw up jello; it comes back up as gelatin. That's pretty cool...huh?! Anyway, I got pumped full of IV fluids and IV nausea medicine and the little one got hooked to a monitor and then I went back to work. Then, at my appointment today my blood pressure was too high and there was protein in my urine. So the little one got hooked back up to the monitor and I got to have lots of blood work done. Seriously?! I am supposed to be young enough that this does not happen to me! I guess it is better to be safe than sorry. I am still able to work and my baby boy is still healthy...so all is well. I will be getting another ultrasound at my next appointment which just happens to be on my birthday. What a great birthday present...to get a sneak peak at my little boy! So the countdown is officially on...I have about 5 weeks left until his due date! The little one and I will be very closely monitored until then because I have a very high risk for toxemia and preeclampsia and stuff...but not too much longer!

It's a Boy!

2009-12-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

So I found out awhile ago that my precious little one is a baby boy. I have had a total of 3 ultrasounds (only 2 of which were far enough along to tell the gender). They both say boy so we are pretty sure that he's a little boy. We are so excited! He has been moving quite a bit lately. It's such a fun feeling. He is not quite strong enough to really kick but he feels just like a little flutter in my belly. The dogs have been super clingy lately so I wonder if they know that something is going on. I was up all night again last night being sick and I had a sick puppy throwing up right along side of me. I wonder if it's sympathy sickness? We both seem to be doing fine now. School is winding down. All of my assignments are finished except for one last test. Without having my school work to focus on, though, I am pretty bored. I feel like I just sit around and watch my life waste away. There are so many things I can do...such as clean the house. Then I think that there is no point because it will just be dirty again tomorrow. If the house is this bad now...what in the world is it going to be like with an extra edition? It is more than a full time job just trying to pick up after my husband. I have a feeling that the house will be nothing short of a nightmare. Anyway...My belly is starting to show the baby now so that is kind of fun to actually see him. The little one will be making his appearance in about 3 more months. While time has seemed to drag on so slowly these past few months...at the same time I wonder where all the time has gone.

Car Accident

2009-10-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Well some exciting...or not so exciting news is that Chrys was in a car accident on Sunday. Of course, it just happened to be his birthday too! Yuck! He crushed his left ring finger and had to have a metal rod and eight screws put in the place of his finger bone. Let me just say that boys in pain equals no fun! To top everything off...his deductable for the surgery just happens to be 2000 dollars! Tell me how some little surgery that took only an hour can cost more than having a baby...stupid! So much for having a savings account!

Pregnancy Hormones

2009-09-28T16:28:00.001-07:00

So I think I exerienced my fair share of pregnancy hormones today. I was watching the baby show on TLC today because I was procrastinating doing school work. I was so excited every second of the way and then...the baby came. I couldn't stop crying! Really?! Seriously?!! The mom that had just given birth was not crying...why was I crying? :) I have always that of the little ones as tiny miracles. I am so excited to meet my prcious angel. I feel like I have been pregnant and waiting forever, but in reality it has only just begun. I am just so excited to meet the little one!

Interview

2009-09-22T08:19:00.001-07:00

So have you ever wanted something so bad and then when you have it right in the palm of your hands you just aren't sure anymore. I have theopportunity of a lifetime but I don't know what I want anymore. I started nursing with the end goal to work with babies. I love little kiddos and thats what I have wanted to do my entire life. What I didn't know at the time of making that goal is that it is nearly impossible to get a job doing that. Everyone wants to work with kids and babies. I found a different job that I didn't necessarily want, but I grew to love it. I have the perfect shift, and I like my job. I got an email yesterday from the clinical manager at Community North wanting to set up an interview for the maternity ward. What?! They are contacting me?! Thats not supposed to happen! I have a good job. I am very good at it. I can pretty much do it with my eyes closed. I am expecting my first baby. I am also in school...taking 4 classes this semster. Would it be crazy to switc h jobs right now? I have a lot on my plate. School takes a lot of time. I am sick all of the time. Plus I am trying to help Chrys through school. Work, for me, is nothing. I don't even have to think anymore to do my job. It's easy. I don't know the first thing about having a baby or taking care of a baby. (How ironic since I am expecting...I know!) This job will be hard! I remember when I first started rehab 2 years ago...I cried everyday because it was too hard. I am not good at new things. IT takes time to learn new things. Yuck! I don't like hard! BUT...it could be something that I end up loving. I will never know if I don't try. Also, how much do I really want to learn right before having a baby? I think it would be better not to have the inside knowledge. The other down side...if I get the job...is that I would be back on night shift. YUCK! I don't like night shift. I feel like I am always tired! BUT...then again it is only three days a week. I think I am going to interview and just see what happens. There is no harm in that right?

Heartbeat!!

2009-08-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

I got to hear my baby's heartbeat today!! So Exciting!! It just makes everything more real!! Chrys was pretty bummed that he wasn't able to be there but we were both very excited! I am supposedly 12 weeks along but my first ultrasound will be towards the end of next week to verify the dates and to see how our little one is growing!

Sickness

2009-08-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

So I pretty much had a breakdown on Tuesday. I cried and cried and cried some more. No one ever told me that this would be the worst nine months of my life. Then I feel bad for saying that because it shouldn't be that bad. It is that bad. Tuesday was my only day off this week. I woke up at 9am and immediately went to the bathroom to throw up. I stayed there until 10 when the look of the inside of the toilet bowl was making me more sick. It was dirty! Gross! So then I graduated to the bathroom trashcan. I went back to bed until 2 o'clock. I woke up to tell Chrys goodbye and then I went back to sleep until 6. This time I managed to stay awake until 8 and got a little bit of food down. At 8 I went back to bed until I had to get up the next morning for work. I am miserable 24 hours a day. I am a very bad sick person. I hate being sick more than anything in the world. I can normally bear it because I know that I will only be sick for a few days. There is no end in sight for this. I have been sick everyday for 2 months! I take phenergan which is supposed to help. It doesn't. I take zofran which is the only thing that seems to help. Only one problem with that...insurance only pays for 17 pills a month! What?! The pill only stays in your system for 6 hours. I am the lucky girl that gets to pick and choose what days to be only half sick instead of all the way sick. So of course I have to take the medicine before I go to work or else I really might die! It doesn't always work though. I threw up today in a patients bathroom after emptying a urinal. Seriously...and it was pretty yellow pee. Not too dark...no real smell. Still resulted in throw up! I don't know how people do this for nine months. Poor Chrys...he had no idea...I don't really get sick that much. He did not know what I was like when I was sick! Luckily he takes care of everything right now. He fixes all of our food. Oh and did I mention that we work different shifts. So he fixes my dinner before he goes to work. He packs my lunch for me. He gets up with me before I leave for work in the mornings. He does all the dishes. He does all of the laundry. He does all of the yard work. He takes care of the dogs AND he still works full time. I have pretty much just been a permanent attachment to the toilet bowl. I feel like I can't do anything at all...its terrible! Everyday I cry and ask myself what I have gotten into. Chrys just tells me that if he could carry the baby that he would but for now I just need to focus on the final product. The only thing that makes the sickness better is sleep...and even then I wake up in the middle of the night sick. Here I am thinking that pregant women just complaine a lot. Nope...I can vouch...al the complaining is very very valid! They earned it!

Expecting!

2009-08-01T06:56:00.000-07:00

So about a week or so after the honeymoon I just had this weird kind of feeling of...hm...I think I am pregnant. But seriously...how could you ever know...so I just ignored it. Then around the 4th of July I was a few days late for my period...the feeling came back...hm...I think I am pregnant. I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive. Then I took another and it came back positive. Chrys was just so excited that he wanted to tell anyone that he has ever spoken to in his entire life! I told him...no way could he tell...what if something happened?! I told my mom...because what else are you supposed to do? I had no idea! To my disappointment, my mom was not that excited. She just told me that it was way to early to tell. It didn't feel to early to me. Afterall I had had the suspicion for almost 3 weeks! Thats a long time to keep a secret! But since my mom told me I was crazy for taking a home pregancy test that early...I just waited. I waited until I was nauseaus and felt like dying for about a wekk and a half. It was decided that either I waas pregnant or I was really really sick! Surely, after women have been getting pregnant for all these years there has been something created so that they don't have to feel this sick all of the time! Chrys was really excited about my doctors appointment. He wanted to go but I made him stay home. He didn't need to watch me pee in a cup! So after all of this waiting...I found out that I have a serious illness that makes me sick just sabout 24 hours a day. Its called pregnancy!!! Ahhh!!!! I am still way to early off to tell anyone but blogging doesn't count...right?! I am only about 8 weeks. I have been told that the nausea gets better. Let's hope so! I was up in the middle of the night to throw up. I have to leave patients rooms just because I feel like throwing up! Its terrible! The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of the little baby I will get to raise in just a little while. So the moral of the story is that you really can tell that you are pregnant early on...and mom...I was not crazy! I just knew! :)I am so super excited!!!

Married!

2009-06-09T19:25:00.000-07:00

Oh goodness! I can hardly believe that I am married! It's weird...but nice at the same time. I love having him with me all the time! It's great! Roomates on the other hand...while the money is good...the company is not so much. I have wanted more than anything to just have some good friends...but friends are never good to you and that is a fact. At some point in the relationship you will always get hurt. Sigh...I don't understand it...I already hate my new ward and I am trying to figure out how to move. It would be real convenient if the boundaries could move and I wouldn't have to. I already know that I am not going to fit in and I just absolutely hate it. Everyone is old and has kids and knew me when I was a kid. I am not a kid. I have changed so very much in just the past year. People there do not know me. I hung out with a yound couple that was a friend of mine in high school today. Surely I would fit in with them...NOPE! I just don't fit in...I have a few select friends from the branch tat I fit in with but even that wasn't very much. My social life is going to consist of work and chrys...and only chrys when he isnt at work or doing school work. I like the honeymoon...but after that I am not a big fan of married life. We are never going to see each other...and now I can't hang out with my friends because everything that we used to do was a singles activity. I think I really do want to move. I am depressed before going to the new ward... I just don't want to do it. I just want everyone to be happy (incluiding me!) As we have established in earlier posts...I am just not a happy person. Oh well!

Truly Happy

2008-12-15T20:40:00.000-08:00

Ok...so I will admit...I get hurt easily and I sometimes make things bigger than they are. I was broken and it was very real pain. I talked to him. I love him. I really am happy. I think I am actually happier now than I was before. I believe that things will work out.

Hurt

2008-12-15T10:59:00.000-08:00

Why do I choose to let myself get hurt. My heart burns. My soul aches. I want so badly to have a family. I was happy with Chrys; I was. I could have seen myself marrying him. Now, however, my world has started spinning and my life is in a haze. I don't know which way is up...much less how to follow my heart. I always thought that my true love would find me and I would know that that was what I wanted. I was never given the piece of paper that defined what I wanted in a person. I just thought that person would find me and then I would know. I am hurting. I am starting to shake. I am confused. I have always prided myself on being the girl that didn't care. I don't need a boy to be by my side at all times. I don't care if he goes and plays and doesn't come home at night. I don't care. However, now that it comes down to it...I do care. I don't necessarily need him to be there, but I needed the offer to be there. I needed to know that I mattrered and that he didn't want me to hurt. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me that things are going to be ok and that we would get through it. Instead I got..."I don't want to be here any longer than I have to be." Oh and another good quote was, "Don't come crawling back...things won't be the same." My poor body couldn't handle it. It hurt me. I always get hurt. It is quite a familiar feeling. I try to prevent it, but then I realize that there are only 2 outcomes to dating. Outcome #1 is everyone is happy and you get married. Outcome #2 is that someone gets to hurt. One thing good did come of this. I had forgotten about a good friend of mine. We don't talk too much anymore. He called yesterday right after all this madness. The exact reason he called was to get Chrys' phone number...go figure. But, he knew that I was upset by the tone of my voice. He said, "I will come over. We can talk." I said, "Thats ok. I have to make dinner for my family. I don't want to make you eat with my family." He said,"Laura, I don't mind being with your family as long as you are ok with it." Really? He was willing to come and hang out with my family? Weird! People don't like to do that. We hadn't talked in such a long time. I cried. I cried about Chrys. I cried about being confused. I cried about my parents leaving me. He stayed with me. He never left. He didn't care about the other parties going on. He cared about me. I needed that so much! It's more than the...call if you need anything. It's...I'm coming over now because I know that you need company. I love him. I love my friends. They know what I need no matter what I say. They don't take the easy way out.

The thing to my tears is that it is never just one thing that makes me cry. It is the accumulation of everything and then I just break. I have cried over my parents leaving me before. I do it often. BUT, it is still on my mind. And when I start to hurt...everything comes crashing down.

I still hurt. I will probably hurt for a really long time. That's what I do. I am sad. I am very bad at being alone. I don't like being alone. I like to be with someone else. If I am alone then I atleast talk to someone on the phone or text. Everyone is at work. Who can I talk to? I am lonely. I want to learn to not need other people. I want to learn to love being alone. I don't know if I will ever be able to do it. I just need someone to talk to...

Priorities

2008-12-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

Have you ever just wanted to be someone else's priority? I supposedly had a boy that loved me...did he really though? Eh...debatable. When you love someone...shouldn't you want to spend time with them. I made plans specifically around him. I wanted to spend time with him. Oh but he told me at 4:10 that he wasn't going to be able to make it because his friends are more important than me. Wonderful! So much for being loved! Whats it matter though...right? I have said all along that you shouldn't get too close because you always get hurt. I am waiting for the one time that I will be proven wrong. Will it ever happen? Seriously...am I that hard of a person to get along with? I guess so. One day I will be happy. It's better to be truly happy then to try to make something work that never will. I will be patient and try my best to be happy. One day someone will want to spend time with me. I will be the priority. I just hate the whole dating process. Once you start to open up and really trust someone its like you just end up getting kicked in the face. But then it goes back to my previous posts when I said that you should never trust people. Point tried and proven.

Fun

2008-12-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

I feel like my life is missing the fun it deserves. All too often my soul is engulfed by bouts of depression. When I battle major life decisions I don't know if it is me, the Spirit, or depression speaking. How sad is that?! I am dating a boy that seems to really care. He says all the right things. He says he wants to marry me. What?! Are you freaking kidding me?! I have only been dating him for a month! It's times like these that I wish I was a kid again. I want to date for fun. I want to go out on the town and laugh and play and joke and just get to know people. Don't get me wrong...I really do want to get married...but I want to be madly in love and not be able to imagine my life without that person. Does that type thing exist? Another thing is that I want my eternal companion to be my equal. I know that its not always 50-50, but I really want it to be a give and take type of thing. He doesn't have a job. Maybe it's just a rough time. That's why I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. BUT...he seems content with no job. He watches his friends kids and that pays the rent so that is good enough. WRONG...You have to have the desire to work...to better yourself...How on earth do you think you can get married if you can't even pay your own bills? Granted I make enough to support myself and another. Is it bad that I don't want to have to do that? I always thought that I would be cool being a sugar momma...now that my opportunity has pressented itself I am having second thoughts. I know that money isn't everything...but work ethic kind of is. I am not sure this boy has any. We have only been dating for a month. I feel like the happy go lucky honey moon stage of dating is already gone. He would rather watch tv then spend time with me. Not all the time but still...Another thing is that I like to go out. We don't have to spend money to go out and have fun. He doesn't like to go out. He likes to sit and watch movies and do nothing. I like a relaxing day like the rest of them, but I love going out. I enjoy staying busy. He enjoys sitting and watching tv and playing video games. That is not what I am into. I understand that we don't have to like the same things...but honestly do we like any of the same things? I enjoy spending time with him...I do. Then I think...maybe I just enjoy the companionship. Am I scared of commitment? Why yes...I think I am. Am I scared of a failed marriage...I think I am. But do I really want to rush into marriage with the second boy that I have ever dated...pretty sure no. I want to get married AFTER I fall in love. I don't want to get married just to get married. I think that its better to be alone than to rush into a marriage and be unhappy. I hate the stupid time frame...he says he is gonna propose in about 6 months...so I sit and think it out...I better decide what I want in 5 so I can break it off if I want. That is so freakin retarded. I just want to go out and date for fun without the pressure of getting married. I know that a realationship is not going to be easy...but at what point is it not worth working for? How long do you hold on; hoping that it might change; hoping that you might fall in love. I do love him...I am just not IN Love with him. How can I be after only one month. The thing is...every example in my life was already in love by this point...am I broken? Is he not the one? Or do I stick it out and hope to be happy? I mean I am happy...its just I have a lot on my mind. I hate dating. When I like someone they don't ever like me back. When someone likes me...they just scare me away. I want someone that will take responsability for their actions...for their short comings...and I want them to work to fix them...no more excuses...just fix it! So now I am left to wonder if this is the Spirit telling me that the relationship is not right...is this me being afraid to let someone love me? Is this the depression trying to ruin every good thing in my life? Right now I am not sure...

ER

2008-11-17T19:46:00.000-08:00

So...today I was watching last weeks episode of ER. It's a good show. However, it just made me start to cry. This woman remembers the death of her son and it was a very touching story. It made me cry because I relived the day my grandma died. I miss her so much. I want her here. I want to be able to tell her about this amazing boy that I am dating. I want to show her my new outfit. I want to tell her about my job since I have graduated. I miss her sooo much. It has been 7 months. It seems like an eternity. I keep telling myself that our time here on earth is but a small moment...but sometimes t just feels really really long! I know that I will see her again and I know that she is watching down on me now. It's still just not the same. I can't talk about her to my friends because they didn't know her. I can't talk about her with my family because that just makes everyone sad. I just really miss her though. Gosh...I have tears streaming down my face just thinking about her. I have her picture on my wall. I love it. I miss her so much. She had such faith in Christ and such a sweet spirit. Her smile was perfect. She really truly had the pure love of Christ. She is the most amazing person that I have ever known. I want to talk about her. I want to remeber her. Christmas will be hard. I remember last year she made us put up the big tree because she said that that was going to be her hast Christmas. I just kinda laughed. My grandma was only 63. Healthcare has improved. She wasn't gonna die. She did die. I should have spent more time with her. I should have called her more. I just miss her so much. I held her hand as she died. I remember the only thing I could think to do as she died was to pull the bandaids off her arms. I needed to be helpful. I pulled bandaids off! Seriously! Thats so dumb! It's dumb but I will always remember it. Now when I think of bandaids I think of that day. I loved my grandma so very much. She will always live in my heart.

Better Than I Deserve

2008-11-14T15:41:00.000-08:00

I have a boy that adores me. He is way better than I deserve. He only seems to recognize the good things about me. It is like he is blind to all the bad. Weird. I love him. I would never tell him that I love him because...well...it's awkward to tell someone that you are dating that you love them. However, if he was only my friend I would have no qualms. How can someone be so kind and caring and not afraid to show the world. He has seriously just put so much trust in me. How can he know that I would never hurt him. People hurt other people. That's what people do! How can he trust me so much?! It's true that I would never hurt him...atleast not on purpose. BUT come on...putting your emotions out there for the whole facebook world to see? Who does that? I might blog...but most people don't take the time to read the blogs. Everyone sees facebook! My poor little heart is melting. I love him. He is a great friend. A friend that focuses on everything that I do right instead of everything I do wrong. I need to be a better friend to myself. He said that he wears his heart on his sleeve. He does. He puts everything out there...no holding back. As for me...well...my heart is on my sleeve as well. The only difference is that my heart is in a box, wrapped 4 times around with sheet metal, with steel bars and barbed wire around that. I can't help it. I truly do love everyone. The problem is that I just don't want anyone else to love me back. When I love everyone it makes me happy. When I let others love me ...well...I just don't let that happen. I am always here waiting for something to go wrong. Maybe it is time to start preparing for the best. It has just always been easier for me to start disappointed and to work my way up than the other way around. That also might be the reason that I spend most of my time not being happy. Overall, the world is good. And that means that people are probably also good. Good things do happen sometimes. Dreams can come true if you are willing to let them.

Dumb

2008-11-09T18:36:00.000-08:00

So I feel dumb. I am going against everything I ever taught myself. I like him. I think about him. I hate doing that. When you let someone else into your life you are just giving them an invitation to break you into a million little pieces later. Sigh...I tell myself that this is a good thing. This is what I have always wanted...right? I like him and he likes me. That is amazing all in itself. This is a good thing. Enjoy the journey. Don't be bitter. I find myself being a girl though. I want to be with him. That's not me! I am ok being alone! I am not supposed to be sad when I am not with someone else! But this time I am! He is so close; yet so very far away! I hardly get to see him. One, maybe two times a week, that's it. I want to get to know him better. I want to know everything about him. I like him. It's weird that a girl that is so in love with love would have such reservations with letting someone in. It is like I am afraid of letting someone too close. I am trying though. I am letting myself start to like him. I enjoy being with him. This is a good thing.

Alone

2008-11-08T16:51:00.000-08:00

I pretend that I am self sufficient and that I don't need anyone else. My parents are leaving me. I tell myself that I will be ok, but I don't know if that is a reality. I am afraid to be alone. I couldn't go away to college because I was too afraid of being alone. I bought a house 4 houses down from my parents because I knew that I wouldn't be alone. Now...my parents are leaving me. I am scared. What happens if I get a flat tire? What happens when my friends don't answer the phone? Who is going to save me if someone tried to break into my house? Who is going to help me fix the lawn mower? Who is going to help me dig a whole in the front yard when the dirt is too hard? Who is going to let me borrow a glass of milk or a slice of bread? Who is going to fix my computer? Who is going to fix the hole in the wall? Who is going to fix my hot water heater? Who is going to buy my ink cartriges for my printer when I am not sure which one to get? I can't be in this house alone. I need my parents. I am scared. I know that I will have friends that are here for me, but the fact of the matter is that they are not my family. Noone but my family is ever going to put me first. My mom offers to bring me dinner at work when she finds out I am unexpectedly working late. Noone else will do that. I don't trust anyone. I am too scared to trust anyone. I am self sufficient. I don't need anyone else. People always leave anyway. My brother moved out. My parents are fleeing the state. My best friend left me in an airport. Friends always move on...that is a fact of life. Don't ever get too close...the closer you get the more power they have over you...the more it will hurt when they leave you. They always leave. Don't open up. Don't get close. Don't trust. Always smile and be polite, but never believe. Don't get hurt.

Shared Tears

2008-10-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

Last night was quite the night at work. I worked 19 hours straight without a break. Intense; to say the least. Everyday I am learning and yesterday was no different. To make a 16 hour shift exciting of course we had to have a code. It didn't start as a code, but our little emergency quickly took a turn for the worse. I didn't panick. I was level headed and made the appropriate phone calls. I called all the right people and I talked to them in a very calm manner. The person ended up not making it. All of the staff knew this patient and their family on a very personal basis because they had been on our floor for so long. Everyone was in tears. I did not cry. It was sad, but I couldn't do it. I was the one telling everyone that they did everything that they could have and that it was going to be ok. Life isn't always ok when you lose a loved one. It is down right hard. As for the staff, we did what we could and everyone worked so hard. It is sad. I could not cry. People at work kind of thought that I was cold hearted because there was no tears shed. It reminds me of my grandma. I didn't cry then either. I cry a lot when I am alone, but when other people are hurting I do not cry. I always put others first. If they are hurting I have to be strong. I can only hurt when everyone else is strong. It doesn't mean that I don't care. It just means that I care so much that I want to make sure you are ok first. I love people. I love my job. While bad things happen; so many things are learned from those experiences.

Johnny and June

2008-10-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

I want a love like Johnny and June! On a daily basis I see these couples that are so freakin cute! I want that! There is this 75 year old man that comes and takes care of his wife everyday at work. I want that. I want someone to love me enough to come and take care of me if the need ever arose. I want to love someone so much that I will sacrifice everything to take care of them. Is that kind of love possible? I want my husband to be there at the end of each day no matter how hard the day has been. I want the endless, unconditional type of love. The forever and for always type of fairytale. I want to walk the line until the end of time...

Learning

2008-10-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

Ok...so I really do try to learn everything I can and take something positive out of every day. BUT...I just don't feel positive today. It was a bad day. I make fun of people for getting so stressed out...because at work these nurses are insane...they need a little reality shock...so i take it upon myself to mock them until they snap out of it! :) Today though...it was just not good. For a brief synopsis every day that I have worked this week I have been on a different hall with different patients or floated to another unti where I know nothing. I don't know anyone or anything. I start fresh everyday. Today I had 7 patients! 7!!! Have people lost their mind? To just keep things in perspective; on a good day you have 4. On a normal day you have 5. On a busy day you have 6. On a...my managers are retarded day you have 7. Ok...so 7 patients. Everyone needs something all at the same time and I have pills to pass and I have a mess to clean up from night shift. Whatever. I made it through the first 8 hours. Now...onto evening shift (also known as my last 4 hours). One of my fellow nurses comes in and says that I am going to have to take another hall. You know...maybe if we really needed to I would...but was it necessary? I have had 7 patients for the past 8 hours...why should I switch? The reasoning was that an LPN would get stuck with the brain injury hall which we typically don't do...but I didn't really want to switch assignments so we just put the LPN down there. The only issues with LPN's are that the RN's have to do all the assessments and essentially be in charge in case anything goes wrong. I got assigned to cover 10 patients for my last four hours! 10!! I have my 7 patients plus I am covering 10!! Have I mentioned that I am a new nurse!! People are retarded...but anyway...to continue with the story. One of my LPN's patients had an oxygen saturation of 11%. Um...not a good thing. Unresponsive patient. Not enough oxygen. So we ended up calling a code on my floor. Rehab does not do codes. We live in a happy healthy world where people get better and go home. It was bad. It makes me second guess everything. First off, I probably should have had that assignment anyway. We don't normally put LPN's down that hall. Secondly, what if I had realized yesterday that something was wrong. I knew that the person wasn't normal, but I couldn't put a finger on it. ah!!!!! I feel like an idiot!! This person could have died!!! I need to always pay attention to everything!! It's just so hard to take care of 7 people and do it well. I need to learn how to do it...I have to. I feel inadequate. I don't know if I am a good nurse. I wanted to go to medical school, but now I am worried that I will miss something with that too. I know that I can make it through school, but what I don't know is if I am good enough.

Hospice

2008-10-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was assigned to work in the hospice hall. I don't normally work that hall because someone else really enjoys it, but it was her day off. I have to admit that it was really hard for me. It is true that as a nurse you are compassionate, but it is so hard for me to find that fine line. I am the type of person that takes on everyone else's emotions. I want everyone to be happy and I will work my darndest to make sure they are happy. However, working with hospice families was really heart breaking. I couldn't make them happy. They wanted their loved one back and that was something that I just didn't have the power to do. It wasn't that they were mad at me, but they were grieving and there were lots of tears. My automatic reaction to tears is to ask whats wrong and then fix it. It was so hard for me because I knew what was wrong, but there was nothing I could do to make the hurt go away. Working this hall really helped me to develop true compassion. I put my whole heart and soul into making sure the patient and the family was comfortable and doing everything in my ability to make things the slightest bit better. I couldn't make the pain go away, but I atleast tried to make it more bearable. There are the crying wives and the crying husbands about to lose their spouses of several years. Its so hard. The one thing that I could say to make it the slightest bit better is that this is not the end. For the most part, people that have loved ones dying will eat this right up. Lucky for me...I know it to be true. I can't doubt. I have lost my grandma. She was my world. I talked to her every day; several times a day. This mortal life is only but a short time. Telling these families that this was not the end helped. You could see the relief in their eyes when they saw that someone else, from the outside, truly believed this principle. It was hard to be with grieving families for 12 hours. However, I am a better person for it. There was no instant gratification. There was no thank you said. There was no problem that was suddenly fixed. However, my compassion for these children of God was strengthened. I truly was able to care and to keep caring without the gratification of a job well done. I guess it is incentive to get paid to do it. Regardless though, it is not the job that I normally do and I could have done it half way because I know that I will not be working that hall tomorrow. I feel good though. As selfish as it may have be...I probably helped myself that day more than I helped anyone else.

Testimony Meeting

2008-10-12T15:53:00.000-07:00

I love testimony meetings...they are my absolute favorite ever!! I love hearing how people came to grow and learn and love the gospel of Jesus Christ. My Savior is my rock and I am so glad that I can stand firm in my knowledge of the gospel. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that He loves each and every one of His children. And of on a very irreverent note that really makes me think of the song...How sweet it is to be loved by you! Anyways, I am the person that I am today because of my knowledge in the gospel. My faith defines me in every way. I have so much more to learn in this life, but so far it has been a great journey!

Christ

2008-10-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

Ok...so I have this book that I was reading. It's called "When You Can't Do It Alone". A book about Christ. I was using my grandma's obituary as the book mark. So...at work I was reading my book and I left it in the break room and when I came back the next day my poor bok was gone. Seriously...if you want to steal my book about Christ...I hope you learn something. BUT...my grandma's obit...GIVE IT BACK!!! Sigh...but whatever...it was just a piece of paper. Work has been a little crazy. I ended up working a couple 16 hour days last week. I had someone come in and die within just a couple hours...so...I had to chart a whole addmission and discharge...can i just say that that sucked. On the other hand though I have been taking care of this amazing young girl that went from having a feeding tube and a neck brace to talking and eating a regular diet and no brace and no more staples in just a couple weeks. Oh...and I went into her room the other day and she said my name!!! My name!!!! Ah!!! This is the first time that she has talked since the accident!!! I was like jumping up and down and she just had the biggest smile on her face!!! It's moments like those that make me love my job!! She is so darn cute!

Wow

2008-09-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

So...I am amazed at how good I feel. If you would have told me a week and a half ago that I would feel this good...I would have told you to jump off a cliff...no seriously...I would have. BUT life is good. I am good. I was told by one of my good friends that a whole lot of people must be praying for me because I got happy awful quick. Weird, right? He still hasn't talked to me. I tried my very last time one week ago, today. I decided that I had to let it go. I still think about it...he was my best friend, afterall. However, I no longer feel the need to shove shards of glass throught my eyeballs...just saying. :) I am good. It is a good possibility that many people were praying for me, but another thing that helped was my perspective and my habits. I was made to fall to my knees. I had no where else to go...so I figured that I might as well make the best of it. I do love my Heavenly Father so...really...honestly is it a bad thing that I was forced to pray for hours. Probably not. When you focus on Christ other things tend to fall into place. In this instance it was my happiness. I am not always happy, it's true. I really do feel happy now...or atleast content...but happy sounds better than content...so let's go with happy.

FHE

2008-09-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

Tonight was just a great night. I went to FHE with such a good attitude. I have hated going lately. It's my calling so I kind of have to go, but I have just hated going. I drive all the way downtown for like 2 people. Woo-hoo! BUT today I went with a much better attitude. I taught my little lesson...and let me just say that I was sooo excited about it because I turned out the lights. Then when we turned them back on we sang Lead Kindly Light. I just loved it!! I also loved the walk we went on afterwards. AMAZING!! Downtown is so pretty with all the lights reflecting off of the water. It was so much fun! Another exciting news is that Ashley has probably had her baby! I am sooo happy for her...plus I got her the most exciting gift in the whole world and I am excited to see her face. She won't be reading my blog so I guess it ok to say that I got her Flaming Hot Cheetos! 50 bags!!! I am so excited!!! With all of the bad days I have lately...it was just a relief to have today be one of the good ones. Actually a great one! Oh, and a good little quote that I read today is:

"The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless."

(James E. Faust, "Refined in Our Trials," Ensign, Feb. 2006, 7)

Maybe this past week was just preparing me to see the beauty of this magnificent day. I might have missed it otherwise!

Spirit

2008-09-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

I have felt the Spirit so strongly today. It was such a peaceful feeling. Something that I have been missing in my life. Something that I have NEEDED in my life. I know that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and that I have been blessed with specific trials for me because I was the one prepared for them. This is the time when I always think of that picture that has the Christ and the quote...
"I never said it would be easy...I only said that it would be worth it." I have been blessed with this opportunity to help find uplifting friends...friends that will help bring the Spirit back into my life. This is probably not something I would have done on my own. I get very good at hanging out in my comfort zone. It is soooo hard for me to talk to people I don't know...people that I do know but am not really "friends" with. One thing is for sure though...I can't talk to anyone that is going to make it hard for me to have the Spirit in my life. Nights are probably the worst. I start thinking about everything and it just spirals downward. No more thinking. This is a great opportunity I have. I have been forced out of my comfort zone where I have essentially noone. I can do this. I have no other choice. God has given us the gifts of the Spirit to allow us to be drawn more closely into His circle of love. My Father in Heaven loves me perfectly and wants to help me. I am His beloved child.

Facebook

2008-09-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

So...I wrote the apology note. I thought that I could do it. However, when I got on facebook I was deleted from being his friend. This is so stupid. I was also deleted from being one of our mutual friends friends. How could things have gone so drastically wrong. Now there are no reminders. Maybe it never really happened? Maybe I made it all up. It's just that with every little kick and jab...I feel myself starting to melt away. Seriously I prayed today and asked my Heavenly Father if I could just leave this world. I kind of pleaded and just said that if someone has to go please make it be me. I know it's dumb. I am not suicidal...but I'm just saying. Ahhh....I take one step forward and then take 50 back. I was not going to cry anymore. I wasn't. Facebook is gone too? I needed the last little thread to hold on to. Everything is gone now. Everything. I am trying to be strong. Trying, but failing. I want to curl up in a ball and go away. I need someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be ok. I need my grandma. I need my best friend.

Apple Pie

2008-09-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I spent the afternoon with my old roomates. I miss them. They were my best friends. I always had someone to come home to; someone that cared how my day went. At the same time, though, I love my house. My best friend helped me transition into living alone. He was always there for me. I didn't even realize that I was alone most of the time. That's probably what made this week so hard...I was alone for one of the first times in my life. Don't get me wrong...I know that my Heavenly Father is always there for me, but sometimes, I just need that actual human. Dumb...probably...but it's the honest truth of how I feel. I ate dinner with my grandpa and my parents. Then I came home and made homeade apple pie with one of my best friends in the whole world! I love her so much! While we don't always get along; we know how to work through our problems. My pie was just so pretty that I had to take a picture of it so that I could post the goodness onto the blog. Today my very best friend introduced me to a blog that I have since fallen in love with. One of the things that really stuck into my mind from reading was this statement, "Your Heavenly Father has prepared you for these trials that you are going through." Wow. I just really loved that. I was prepared for everything that I was going to go through in this life...and still I chose to come and to show my Heavenly Father that I could do it. I was prepared. I was chosen to handle my individual trials because my Heavenly Father knew that I could do it.

I struggle with happiness. I always have and, most likely, I always will. Things have drastically improved since high school, but they are still hard. I am sad...A LOT. I try to hide it and make it go away, but my sadness is always there taunting me. I am reading this book right now called "When You Can't Do It Alone: Take the Savior's Hand" by Brent L. Top. I want to share a little passage from this book. I will be jumping around a bit to include the pieces that I want...but you get the jist.

"We could remember that even with such a solemn mission given to Him, the Savior found delight in living; He enjoyed people and told His deciples to be of good cheer. All things which are good cometh of Christ (Moroni 7:24) Those of us who are so blessed could remember the courage of those around us who face more difficulty than we, but who remain cheerful, who do the best they can, and trust that the Bright and Morning Star will rise again for them--as surely He will do (see Rev. 22:16) ...we can remember that Christ was also "troubled on every side, but not distressed;...perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed" (2 Cor. 4:8-9).

This pretty much brought me to tears. The Savior was happy. He was tried beyond belief. He suffered so much. Here I am wasting time worrying about being stood up at the airport or losing my best friend. Kind of made me put things back into perspective. The Savior was not destroyed throughout all that He endured. He has already suffered so that I won't have to. The Savior found delight in living. If He can find delight in living...I had better be able to do the same. Others have things so much worse than I do. I have been blessed with so much, and for that, I am so grateful. I was blessed with this wonderful person that helped me so much for an entire 10 months. I was blessed with a best friend. I was blessed with the ability to speak and to communicate and to share my emotions with others. I am blessed! When I think of my many blessings; it makes it much easier to find delight in living. I guess that's why we hear the phrase "count your many blessings" so often. This book has helped to strengthen my testimony and bring me closer to Christ. I feel my Savior's endless love for me when I focus my life around Him.

Friendships

2008-09-13T08:31:00.001-07:00

So as I woke up this morning I was thinking about all the events of last night. Do friendships really just end like that? Should I just let it all go like I decided? Should I call and apologize? Should I wait a few days to let it all pass over? I hate when things end on bad terms. He said one thing to me yesterday that I am holding on to. He said, "You can't turn back the hands of time so you need to just get over it." Ok. So no, I can't turn back time, but I certainly can change the future. Just because you are a jerk doesn't mean I don't ever have to speak to you again. We could still be friends. We could change the future. Then I also start to think about how much is it really worth it, though. He seriously made me feel like crap for about a week...and I am still working on getting out of that phase. It hurts bad when someone you trusted treats you badly. I am willing to still be friends, but he doesn't want to. Why? He says now it's because I gave his phone number to my brother. Well, I am sorry, but atleast someone cared about me...and it certainly wasn't the one who left me at the airport! So then I get into whether I want to email a message, voicemail (because I know that he won't actually pick up the phone), or text it. I think I need to try just one more time. I will apologize for giving his number out and ask him if we could please talk this out...when he is good and ready of course because it's all about him. Well, I think I will leave out that last part :). I will ask him to call so if the friendship has to end it will atleast end on good terms. We are old enough now to talk things out. We should be able to handle atleast that much! Now I have to decide if I want to call now or wait a few days. Ah....I hate disagreements! I want everyone to be happy all the time!! So of course I want to call right this instant and make it all better...but so far me calling everyday has changed nothing...so should I wait? This is not my area of expertise. I prefer instant gratification. I am not good at waiting, especially when I know that someone might be hurting. Although, he said yesterday that it didn't bother him at all to not talk to me. Oh...thanks...that makes me feel real good. Sigh...such a dilemma.

Oh...and a change of subject real quick. My brother just told me tht he was moving out. I shouldn't care. I hardly ever see him anyway, but....it just goes back to my previous post that states that people always leave! Why can't anyone just want to stay with me? Please? Am I really that bad of a person? I have very few friends. Don't get me wrong...the ones that I have are great...but I always have to wonder how long they will stay before they get tired of me too. Everyone always leaves. I can't handle my brother leaving me right now. I need someone to stay with me. I need someone to never leave. And now I sound so needy that it makes ME want to gag. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

Adrenaline Rush

2008-09-12T22:35:00.000-07:00

So the adrenaline of everything really did make me happy. Now, however, I have supported my brother being a jerk to him. He was a jerk first...BUT I am probably supposed to be the bigger person. I was talking to a mutual friend that we have. He said, "You know that things will never be the same now." I was pretty sure that I was ready for it...but now I don't know. Forever is a long time. He was mean to me. I mean...come on...he left me stranded in the airport. BUT I can't stop the feelings of...I AM THE IDIOT. This might have just all blown over. We might have still been able to be friends. I should have been stronger. I should have done better. I should not have given his number to my brother. I should not have promoted my brother being mean to him. He did hurt me terribly bad, but I was handling it. I was surviving. I was ok because I knoew that it was all his fault. Now he has kind of played it onto me...and of course I have to feel bad. It's my fault we are no longer friends. Why do I have to feel bad?!! I just want to say that he started it!!! Then I feel like I am in kindergarten though. There is just no winning this battle. He did show his true colors though...did I really want to be friends with someone that would do that to me? Probably not. I just hate the fact that he spinned it to make me feel like this is my fault...this whole situation is dumb...He just texted and threatened to send my brother back to jail. Right...Who does that?! THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. Grown people should have been able to talk this out. I tried...like bordering on insane amount of times. I was nice. I am the one that got left at the airport and I am the one that has to be nice. Go figure.

Happy

2008-09-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

I am happy tonight. It's probably inappropriate happiness, but I take what I can get. He texted me. He was a jerk. He had the nerve to tell me that he would talk to me when he was good and ready. Seriously. I just flew across the country and you will talk to me when YOU are ready. Oh no...He said that me giving out his number was really pissing him off. Isn't that nice. HE is pissed. He said that if I stop giving out his number he will CONSIDER talking to me. Ha Ha...what a joke. He acts like he is doing me some kind of favor. Now...I guess it's only fair to say that my brother and my roomate have been sending him messages...not real good ones. BUT they love me! I feel loved!! That's what I needed...someone to show me that they cared about me. I found out today that even my dad is on my side. My family is a little weird and we don't tell each other how we feel, but my brother is telling me everything and I absolutely love it!!

Utah Trip

2008-09-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

I took one picture from my short Utah trip. It's a little fuzzy, but I love it all the same. I spent a few hours on temple sqare just admiring the beauty. This was onw of my favorite scenes before my camera died. I love flowers. They always seem to make me happy. I know that it doesn't make sense because flowers just die. I love them though. They smell good, they are pretty, and they just seem so perfect. Temple Square is an amazing place. It's just so pretty.

Empowerment

2008-09-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

So sometimes life is hard. The fact of the matter is that I cannot change what has happened to me. Therefor, I need to stop dwelling on it. If I dwell on it; it can consume my life and that is what empowers the person that hurt me the first time. Yes; what happened to me sucked, but, no, it is not going to consume my thoughts. Of course, it hurts to think about him and what we used to have. I try not to dwell on what once was and more try to think about the future. I have my life ahead of me to live a very long time. I have the opporunity to bless others and help them by some of the experiences that I have been through. This is not what I have asked for in my prayers. Although...I am sure that I will be blessed because of my experiences. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.

Strength

2008-09-10T13:22:00.001-07:00

I am so weak at this moment, but strong at the same time. I feel like I need to cry at the slightest remembrance of this person. I hate it. I hate that I let myself get hurt this bad. I hate that I trusted him so much. I hate that he doesn't care. I can't change the fact that I did get hurt and that I did trust him and that he doesn't care. I am strong in the fact that in my heart I have forgiven him. I don't care. I am just mainly mad at myself. I am embarrassed to be back at home and to have to explain to people why I am home so soon. It's because I couldn't survive. Because I was too weak. Too hurt. That's embarrassing. Sigh...I will get through this.

Vacation

2008-09-09T16:03:00.000-07:00

Wasted vacations. Wasted tears. Wasted friends. Wasted time. Wasted sleep. Wasted minutes. I feel betrayed. All I can do is cry. I try to call and he doesnt pick up. I email and he doesnt respond. I cant do it. I flew across the country to hang out with someone that I trusted more than anyone. Why...Just because you talk to someone everyday and feel like you know someone fairly well...dont trust people. I have wasted the past 10 months of my life. I wish I could go back and erase it all. I know that what doesnt kill me will only make me stronger...but this is a moment that I just wish I was dead. I seriously let this boy take the life out of me....People are not good...

Crying

2008-09-08T14:12:00.000-07:00

So...I am just such a girl. I cry all the time. The latest reason is that I got stood up at the airport. Wow. Seriously? The person that I considered to be my best friend couldn't even fit it into his schedule to pick me up. I am just very sad and hurt and angry; all very unpleasant emotions. How can my best friend, the person who has seen me through everything for the past 10 months, just up and decide not to talk to me anymore. It really makes me think that I need to be a better judge of character. Not everyone is good no matter how many times I tell myself that. People have proven themselves, to be, in general, just not good. When you need them they are not there. When you start to trust them; they hurt you. When you start to believe in them; they leave you. People are bad. Don't ever trust, or believe, or get to close. Nothing good will ever come of it. Ever.

Texting

2008-09-06T16:25:00.001-07:00

I realized that texting has taken over my life. I always text. I text when I wake up in the morning. I text during breakfast. I text on my drive to work. I text at work. I text on my drive home from work. I text at home. I text while I am in bed. I wake up in the middle of the night and I send a few texts. Texting has taken over my life.

Now that I am no longer texting I find myself thinking and analyzing how my life has turned out. Honestly, I loved my texting; but it helped to isolate myself from all of my friends over the past 10 months. It's not that I told them I couldn't hang out. It's just that I found myself not wanting to take the effort that friendships take. I had my friend. That's all I needed.

As chances are...I guess he never really was my friend. I always liked talking to him. I liked him. I thought he liked talking to me back. That maybe, just maybe...he might have cared about me. He meant the world to me. He saw me throught the roughest of days. He was there with me in my phone as my grandma was dying and throughout her funeral. He helped me to stay strong. For that I will always love him.

Today I find myself with silent tears running down my face. I need a best friend. Someone that is not in the phone. Someone that listens to my fears and helps me to understand that my Heavenly Father really does love me...even if a have made a million mistakes.

The worst part about my dilemma is that I was almost ready to make the biggest mistake of my entire life. I was ready. I was giving up on my Heavenly Father. I abandoned everything I had ever learned; everything that I have always believed. I told one of my best friends that I was better after talking to her and that nothing was going to happen. Did I honestly believe that? No...I didn't care anymore. After two days of not texting...I find myself here. Alone. Did I think my life was going to change if I chose to do the things I was going to do? I think I did. Does this texter really care about me? No. Did he ever? No. Will he ever? No. What in the worl was I thinking?

Doing things that I know are wrong is never going to make anyone care about me!!

I tell myself that I should just take this break in texting to get over him. Get over texting. I should just write him out of my life. I will not be tempted by him if I never talk to him again. Deep down inside of me I do want to talk to him though. I want him to respond to my texts. I want things to go back to the innocent conversations we had just a few months ago. I want him to be real. I want him to care about me.

He is not the person for me...and deep down I know that. I want someone to love more than anything else in this world and I want to be loved. I want someone to love me forever no matter what and for me to feel the same. I want to go back to a simple year and a half ago; when my testimony was the strongest it had ever been. I need to fight, to ponder, to pray, to study in order to get that back! It's not going to come back because I sit here hating the way my life has turned out.

Life is hard. I get confused and lost from time to time. At this moment; I am lost. At the same time though...I am fighting. Fighting to find the light. Fighting to find those words that I once knew were true. I know that I will find them as long as I continue to want to to find them.

Gratitude

2008-08-19T18:42:00.000-07:00

Work is stressful...I will definately say that. However, today was a magnificent day. A guy that I have been working with the past couple of weeks pulled me aside. He wheeled himself into the hall and said, "Hey little missy I want to talk to you for a couple of minutes." He wasn't even my patient today...but he wanted to talk to me. I went to his room.

He said,"I just wanted you to know that you have impacted my life. You have helped me in so many ways that you do not even know. You are such a sweet young lady and I wish you all the best in all of your future goals. Don't be afraid to go for what you want. You have a good head on your shoulders and I know that you will go far in this life. Thank you for all that you have done for me. You have helped me through one of the worst times of my life and I will be forever grateful to you for that. I hope to see you around."
It
He was going home today. I will miss him. To tell you the truth...we didn't even get along the first two days. He was just so demanding and seemingly ungrateful. Wow. That's all I can say. This is what I work for. I want to make a difference. Sometimes it is easy to walk through life not realizing what an impact we might have on anothers life.

Not everyone is as vocal with their gratitude as this gentleman, but although we may not hear it...I am sure that we are helping others. I also think of how this gentleman made my whole night better. I know that I need to make sure that I tell others when they help me. I am blessed by great people every single day. It really does help when people take the time to point out what a difference you are making.

We all help each other. We all need each other. When we work together; we have the potential to change the world.

Addicted

2008-08-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

I find myself addicted to him. I have a deep longing just to talk to him and to hear his thoughts. It doesn't matter what we talk about; I just like talking to him. I know his thoughts and I know that it will never work out between us, but I still feel like I need him. Why, Why, Why!!!! Why do I constantly find myself going back to that person that has no desire to want me the way that I want him? I think of how life could be. I think it could work. Then I also think about what it is that I really want in an eternal companion...shouldn't motivation to succeed and be better every single day be a part of that list. Does that type person actually exist?

So a slight change of subject...I was in this class the other day that really made me think about life. Someone said...we are nurses. We have the ability to impact a persons life every single day for good or for bad. We are only human and of course bad things are going to happen. We are going to make mistakes and peoples lives are going to be impacted by those mistakes. The goal is to take what you learn from that mistake and be a better perseon because of it. Be a better nurse tomorrow than you were today. This is so true. We as humans make so many mistakes and it is easy to get frustrated, but it is ok to make mistakes. We just need to learn from them.

I love my job. I love having the ability to help people. The bonds that I form with my patients is amazing. I look forward to being able to see that person day after day and when that day comes that I get to see them go home...it makes my whole countenance glimmer with happiness that maybe...just maybe...I helped them in some way.

I know that I am a blessed daughter of my Heavenly Father and that he has a plan for me. I know things will work out in due time and that I will be happy in the end. I am happy now.

Falling

2008-07-31T18:53:00.000-07:00

Why do I find myself falling for a person that will most likely be no good for me? I like him. I need him. I have to talk to him...everyday. When I don't talk to him I worry. When I do talk to him I am happy. He is not the type person I should find myself liking, though. He will never like me back. He only likes to play games. Why, why, why!!! Why do I do this to myself. Everything inside my head says stay the heck away...yet I can't seem to do that. He's a good person; don't get me wrong. I need to be with someone who is going to make me strive to be better...this boy makes me wonder how far I am willing to push my standards. I am good. I don't do bad things. It's not like he flat out asks me to push my standards...but that's what I find myself wondering about...and that is not good. The crazy part is though...that I still like him. Which makes me retarded. If you have no chance with someone...and you know it...why do you still like that person. Someone asked me once, "Why are you wasting your time?" Good question. I don't know. All I know is that I still like him.

Happiness!

2008-07-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

So I am just plain happy today! I guess this is kind of weird becuaseI mostly enjoy writing when I am angry or sad, but today, I am just happy! My cousins are in town. I love them! We play and scream and giggle and just have a good ole time! I went to my family ward today and got to see some people that I haven't seen in about 3-4 years. It was amazing! Not that we were really that close of friends, but I have found something that makes me happy. I hugged each and everyone of them! It wasn't the fake...oh that's great kind of hug...but rather, the...I'm really glad to see you and I have missed you kind of hug. It was real and genuine. I miss human interaction and touch. It's true that I complain and say that I have a bubble, but what I need most is the person that jusr simply doesn't care and breaks the bubble anyway. I love hugs! They make me feel special! I put out my hand for a hand shake and in return I got...are you kidding? Give me a hug! Aw...I love it! I love people!

Testimony

2008-07-20T17:35:00.001-07:00

I want to believe that I have a testimony of the gospel. I live my life the way that I am supposed to...well most of the time. However, I find myself constantly battling that little voice in my head that says that I don't want to go to church. I am tired. I am tired of choosing the right all of the time. I don't want to anymore. Atleast I don't want to have to fight with myself to do it. I know that church is where I need to be, but I find myself drifting. I got a call saying that I am in charge of FHE. I don't want to go. I don't want a calling at all, really. I used to love church, FHE, and every other possible activity. Now, I find myself falling further and further away. What's worse is that I don't even feel guilty anymore. I am just plain tired. I feel the spirit, I do. I know what I should be doing; yet I choose not to...what is wrong with this picture?!

I love my life...everything seems to be going as planned. Yet, I am not happy. I always find myself wanting more. I have so much to be grateful for...and I am...I just can't find happiness...it seems to have disappeared. I can pretend and I smile and say things are great. They are. I have no reason at all to be unhappy. I don't know why I feel unhappy; I just am...that's me. That's what defines me, I guess.

Twilight

2008-07-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

I am reading the book Twilight right now...can I just say AMAZING! I am falling in love with the main character more and more everyday. It has me seriously thinking though. Love is an amazing thing. Your heart starts to pound. Your hands get a little bit sweaty. Your whole body is swirled up in emotions that you don't even know exactly what you are feeling until at that moment when he holds you in his arms or places his soft lips on yours. How can people be so open with what they are feeling? I am pretty good with stating little facts and I love to know what others are thinking or feeling, but when I am asked, I often find myself making up stories. I don't want people to really know how much I love someone else because I think that it won't hurt as bad when they don't like me back. Love is a spledid thing. I love love. I dream about love. I want love. I crave love. I need love. How amazing would it be to just be able to be open without fear of rejection or sadness or hurt. I dream of that day when being able to hold another human beings hand makes butterflies go up in my stomach. Surely one day my prince will come and I will love him openly and not be afraid.

Needy

2008-07-09T19:40:00.001-07:00

Why a, I so freakin needy? I try not to be...but I need to talk to someone. Oh, but wait, noone cares about me. My grandma is dead. I miss her. I need her. She cares about me. She understands me. I have a test on Sunday that determines the rest of my life. I cry whenever I think about it. It doesn't matter if I am at work or at home or on the phone. Why od I cry?! I hate crying. Why does noone care about me or what I am feeling? Why do you think that I care about others so much...maybe because...one day...I want someone to care about me the way that I care about everyone else in the world. I know I should serve without wanting anything in return...and I do...I know it doesn't sound like it...but for the most part I am happy...I am just so stressed out right now...I just wanted someone to care...to notice...to call me...I wish I had someone to call...I have noone. I take that back...I have my Heavenly Father...but sometimes I just want Him here with me. I need help right now...

Alcohol

2008-07-04T21:22:00.000-07:00

Why does alcohol control everyone's life? It's all around us all the time. I hate it! I go out for a simple round of fireworks and my friends get drunk. I come home from fireworks and my brother has people over and they are all drinking...I'm not trying to go to jail! I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's actions! I don't drink! I hate when people around me drink! I don't want to have anything to do with it! Why do I put myself in these situations? I love my brother like there's no tomorrow...I just can't deal with the alcohol and drugs! Why can't he straighten up? They threaten jail and it doesn't even phase him. I want him to be good. I love him. He tells me I'm stupid and that nothing is going to happen...and that is why he has been arrested 7 times. He calls and says that in Marion county noone ever gets in trouble. Is that supposed to make me feel better? I'm sorry...it doesn't! I worry myself sick...I have tears streaming down my face...I feel nauseous. I want people to choose the right. I want people to believe in God. I try to live my life as an example, but he says that he just doesn't believe. How? I don't understand. My brother and I were raised in the same home. My parents don't drink or smoke or do drugs. How did he get himself into this mess? I want to help him, but he just doesn't want the help. This is so hard to watch...I feel like I have watched this perfectly good 14 year old boy go down a spiral for the last 5 years. I want for my brother to get his life on track. I want for things to be good for him. I want him to be happy. I love living with him. We talk every once and awhile and I live for that...I just can't deal with the alcohol and drugs in my house.

Lonely

2008-07-04T14:28:00.000-07:00

So I enjoy being by myself; I really do. At the same time though...I crave human interaction. I want someone to talk to. I want someone to love me. I put on a huge front telling everyone that I would be perfectly fine being alone for the rest of my life. Are you kidding me? I want to feel loved just as much as everyone else! The greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return! I was talking to one of my good friends and he told me that I probably won't ever find anyone bacuse most guys want sex. Why?! What happened to all the good mormon boys of the world? I know that it is because I am quiet, but really if you take the time to get to know me...I really can be fun! I have only dated one person in my entire life...how is this so? I have liked several...they just don't like me back...I am a fabulous girl! I deserve so much! I want to be loved! I want someone to actually care about the way I feel! I want someone to open up to me and tell me the most intimate details of their life! I want someone to come to me before they go to anyone else! I want someone to think of me when they are lonely, afraid, sad, happy, excited...I want them to want to talk to me and share wqith me their thoughts! I want to go out and have a good time and not be pressured to drink or to have sex! I'm so angry right now! I feel like I don't have any good friends right now! Of course I have friends some might say...but let me describe them to you:
Friend #1: We are texting friends...I have to literally pull information out of this kid...Friend #1 says that opening up is not for them...How can we talk every single freakin day about nothing! I want to know how you feel! I want you to care how I feel!

Friend #2: We used to be best of friends. Now we make plans, but there always seems to be a reason that we don't follow through. We make plans to hang out so I stick around all day waiting...waiting...waiting...oh...they don't show up. I will understand. I am so nice and caring and happy! Yes...as a matter of fact I am nice....but I want you to be nice back!

Friend #3: We talk. I thought this was possibly the one person that might kind of understand me. But at times this person will go for an entire week without returning my calls. I think that maybe I made them mad, but I don't remember doing anything. Then I think...I must just not be good enough. This person has better friends that they would rather talk to.

These are my best friends. I have a few people that I talk to every once and awhile. Things are great if I contact them first. If I stop calling them though...will they remember that I even exist?

It's better not to care about anyone because I alway end up hurt...always! But, I love everyone! Some people think that it is great! I tend to think that it is a character flaw!

I just want someone to truly care about me and love me and want to be around me...no strings attached!

Nervousness

2008-07-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like your whole life is depending on one single moment? I am so nervous! I am taking my state boards on the 13th for the second time! I am not a nervous test taker. I have always excelled in school; always! I go in confident because I am at the adventage of understading what I read very well...the first time. I have never failed anything in my entire life! I do get a second chance, and I have been studying! I am very nervous though. My grandpa is going to give me a blessing and I am very grateful to have that at my fingertips. I know that my Heavenly Father will help me; if it is His will. But is it?! Surely I would have known before I went through all this schooling...right? But on the other hand, I have learned so much...Sigh...I am freaking out! I need to pass this test!

Tired

2008-07-02T13:03:00.000-07:00

I am tired of working. I was tired of school. I am always so dang tired. I am tired of negative attitudes; even though a lot of times mine tends to be the most negative. I want to live in this perfect little world where everyone is happy all the time. Why do I constantly focus on all the negative aspects of my life rather than the positive? I really am a happy person...I think. I want to learn to trust others more. I want to learn to be positive.

Really...a blog?!

2008-07-01T20:12:00.001-07:00

So...I know that others create blogs and honestly...I love reading them! I like to know what people are thinking and feeling. As for myself though, I never really had a desire to post my life on the internet. Do I want others to be able to read about my life? Do I want people to have access to my inner most thoughts and opionions. I don't like to share to much with a person unless I know them. I want to be the one to give them the information, but this is my step at opening up. Now the world can know what I think!